Moving On

Does anyone round here even remember me any more? I’ve been gone for an age — too long, honestly –, but exams and commitments left me with no choice but to put blogging to one side, at least whilst school finishes up. Still, I’m stopping by to see how you’re all doing — how are you all doing?

I also have the feels right now; my emotions are all over the place, and we all know that an emotional 16-year-old boy is pretty much the recipe to a cracking blog post, don’t we now?

Quick side note: If you get a sec, go check out the song Nothing to Regret by Robinson: it’s a jam and kinda feels like my vibe at the moment. And yes I just referred to ‘my vibe’, I worry myself too sometimes.

Not often.

But sometimes.

Earlier in the year, as I rounded the final corner and caught sight of the suddenly-very-real GCSE exams (which I’m now midway through), I realised how things have changed. I realised how my perspective on — well, everything — has morphed into something almost unrecognisable, even compared with just a year or two ago. Feelings are weird things: the drug we’re all hooked on, the highs — and the lows — that we all know, all believe in whole-heartedly, and yet all know is insincere and terrifyingly temporary. I wrote about those feelings, and how confused they make me. It’s easier to live in the moment; comparing thoughts, feelings and ambitions of today from those of yesteryear is always going to result in confusion and a complete lack of understanding.

In September, I’m moving. I’m leaving home, living at college almost 200 miles away, and I’m excited. Of course I am: I love opportunity, chance, and the ability to grab whatever chance comes my way. I can’t wait to see where this new environment, new group of people and new setting take me — I really can’t.

But it’s not as easy as i honestly thought it would be. And that ‘s becoming more and more apparent with every passing moment, with every step that this huge new start takes towards me. Oh, how I thought it’d be easy; how I naively thought that nothing of myself feels at home here.

I try not to talk about it too much on this blog, but I’ve definitely mentioned, albeit in passing, that school this year has been a bit of a living nightmare for me. It’s a complex situation, but it boils down to a lack of support — and funding for said support — in the placement I’m in at the moment. It sucks, especially in my GCSE year, but sadly it’s an all-too-familiar story up and down the country. This lack of support, along with a couple of other factors, led to my decision to move to a different college, with more specialist support, enabling me to complete my A Levels and university preparations without the unwanted stress of a support battle on my hands.

Regardless, this issue has unfortunately led me to really dislike school this year; i’ve found it really difficult to cope, and to not lose my cool, or my stability. It’s a shame, really, as the first four years of secondary school were such happy times, filled with laughs and smiles, days of freedom and enjoyment. Why is it only now, then, as I am preparing to say my very final goodbyes, that these memories come flooding back?

Saying goodbye to a good teacher is difficult; it’s always virtually impossible to express how appreciative you are of all they’ve done, and how lucky you feel to have had them teach you. But we all get through it, because times change — it’s tough, but it’s OK.

Saying goodbye to staff who have worked closely with me, supporting me throughout my time at the school — all five years of it — is harder. Not impossible, no, but definitely harder. “Thank you” isn’t enough, because some of these people have gone the extra mile time and time again, just to make sure that I have access, and that things are as good for me as they possibly can be. “Thank you” doesn’t cut it, because five years is a long time, and I need to say something more.

Saying goodbye to friends is breaking me.

What do you say? What do you say to someone who has been there for you since the beginning? What do you say to someone who is always on your side? What do you say to someone who cares, and makes it known; who listens, and means it; who you can share ups and downs with, the good and the bad?

What do you say to someone who you don’t want to leave behind? What do you say?

I know things are going to change. I know that a friendship maintained through face-to-face communication day in, day out can never be upheld in quite the same way when one of you is no longer there. I know that. But I wish I didn’t, because it’s making my heart ache and my head hurt and my stomach feel sick.

I need to leave, to do what’s right for me. And, of course, that’s what I want to do: that’s why i chose this, and I don’t regret it — not at all. But I can’t help but feel … sad.

What a shit word sad is. Sad — three letters that try, and dismally fail, to summarise the feelings, the thoughts and emotions that flood my body like a tidal wave every time I look at my calendar and see 8th September marked ‘Moving Day’. What a pathetic little word sad is; and yet, I have nothing better. I could write endless words, paragraphs and pages and books filled with words, and yet the best one I have — the only one that can come close to how I honestly, truly feel — is sad.

If this is what moving on feels like, I suppose I should get used to it. It’s going to happen again, after college, and then at university, and then after my first, second, third job. It’s going to happen in a relationship, or when one of my best friends takes a chance on that dream job, and disappears. Of course I want to hang on to now: now is so familiar, and hence so perfect, and so good. But, I guess, I have to believe that tomorrow is better, that tomorrow brings smiles and hopes and dreams, but also that today can be a part of tomorrow, acting as the foundations for all of my tomorrows. That way, i’m not letting go, not moving on. I’m bringing today — and all of the memories, thoughts, people, places and feelings — with me, into tomorrow, and beyond.

Kel XX

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36 thoughts on “Moving On

  1. Ahh I relate to this, the thought of moving to the other side of the country is breaking my heart, I wanted to enjoy the last few weeks of college but I just feel numb to it all :(( I know you’ll be amazing at your new college though 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Moving on from anything familiar is scary. It’s sad, because you really just want to enjoy the last fleeting moments of what you had; I know things aren’t perfect for you either at the moment. Sending big hugs — and thank you!! XX

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It really is, sadly what’s been familiar for me for the last few years has all gone down the drain these past few weeks due to some petty friendship drama, so I feel like I’ve already had to say goodbye to all my friends :(( I’m trying to force myself to be happy and enjoy it but it’s hard, as I’m sure you’ll understand. Thank you, hugs to you too! Xx

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I do. It’s really sad, because it’s during these last few weeks that you want to be able to create and store those memories; I hope that the last few years aren’t tainted by this though. XX

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Yes exactly, I do have some good memories to hold on to, just hard to remember them when I feel so down. Just got to keep thinking of the positives though, we will make new friends when we move on and make new memories xx

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Very true — it’s really difficult, but I’m sure things will get better. I’m so excited to hear all about how you get on next year 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      5. I’m sure you’ll get the hang of it soon enough. My theory is if it smells bad, it could kill you… or it could just be an omelette!
        Very true. It may be just what you need xx

        Liked by 1 person

      6. Ikr! Michelin star here I come 😂😂 haha I don’t think the consistency is suited to travel but you can have a (mega)bite of some virtual pudding (pudding puns ayy)

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Hey, moving on is so so hard and I completely understand this. Saying goodbye to people you love and appreciate Is really painful and won’t be easy, especially when you’re not sure how much you keep in touch. But you are an incredible friend and an incredible person and people aren’t going to forget you; you aren’t going to forget people either and what impact they have on your life. I’m really proud of you and you’re going to go really far – fear is natural but remember that you have so many people by your side to hold you up if you feel panicked about it all. Love you xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Change is exciting but can be scary and stressful. If moving to college will make you happy, that’s the best thing you can do. Of course it’ll be hard departing from people you love and care about but if they love and care about you too, they’ll understand, which I’m sure they will. And I think a way you can show your appreciation to someone is say all that’s on your mind but also actions can speak louder than words sometimes. Good luck with your a levels!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m going through GCSES but that’s not really the thing that’s scaring me either. The thing that’s scaring me is going to another Sixth Form in another town where I literally will be billy no mates but it’s a new stepping stone in life and I know it will be all okay at the end. I’m so proud of you taking that massive step to going to another college, it will be awesome and such an experience and also I get that saying good bye to a good teacher can be sad, I think it’s going to be harder to say good bye to my psychology teacher than a lot of people I know at the college that I’m already at. I wish you luck with your exams, you can do it! Astrid X

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It’s so so difficult — I know you’re gonna do awesome though, and the next couple of years will be great for you.
      Saying goodbye to teachers is so tough!! 😔
      Thank you xxx

      Liked by 1 person

    2. Lots of people won’t know anyone. You definitely won’t be Billy no mates! It may be a worry but use that worry to put yourself out there and meet new people. They’ll be equally as scared and someone coming up to them may make their day or their whole college experience!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Remember it’s never goodbye. It’s more of a see you later. I left for university this year and my college was different to all my friends. But the amazing things about the modern world is you can still FaceTime and stay in contact. You also meet so many new people and change as a person but when you come back you fit straight back in with everyone you left. I moved across the country to go to uni and the day I left I had to leave my family home as my dad was moving. I thought it would ruin me and the excitement of going away but as soon as I arrived I was thrown into a new experience and I was thankful for the new experience. I met knew people and filled the gaps where I felt I’d lost people. When returning back home my friends were all still my friends and my fears of them moving on were not a reality. You’ll find you’ll never lose true friends and they’ll be just as sad about you leaving. You gain new people, not lose. Just remember that x

    Liked by 1 person

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