Well, I’m back!! I know I’ve been kinda MIA (missing in action, not Mia like the name, bc I haven’t had a sex change FYI) for the last two weeks, but I’M BACK NOW!
everybody calm down — Calm. Down. — I’m back, life is good again, the world will keep turning, they’ll keep producing chocolate, the planet’s saved.
How have you all been? Well? tired? I’m certainly very tired: school started back last Wednesday, and the first week-and-an-insignificant-bit has left me exhausted, and yet some how revitalised.
Been up to much? Busy? Bored? Pondering the meaning of life?
Last year, I wrote a post about the new-at-the-time iOS 10 update; you can find it <a href=”https://lifeofblind.wordpress.com/2016/09/16/on-that-iphone-update/”>here</a>. By my standards, it did really well — 43 likes, I’ll have you know. So, after a great deal of thought (i.e having nothing else to talk about), I bring you …
L’s Take On The New iPhone
Unless you’ve been living under a rock …
Wait, one sec: I hate that expression. Who has eaten so little that they could fit under a feckin’ rock? Let me edit the expression.
Unless you’ve been living under a roof (does it work as well?), you’ll know that this week, Apple (big American company, big moneys) announced a new slab of glass, which they call the iPhone X. This in itself leads many of us to the most obvious question: how do you say “X”?
Is it “X” like “MY BLOODY EX BROKE UP WITH ME I HATE HIM/HER I HATE HIM/HER I HATE HIM/HER!!!”
“X” like “Love you babes — awww XXX” (see The only Way Is Essex”
Or is it “X” like “Yo, out-of-date maths is fun!”
Apple are claiming it’s the latter, which leads me to believe that I’ve been saying “iPhone” wrong all my life. I’ve said it “eye-Phone”, when clearly it’s meant to have been called the “one-Phone”. My error.
It’s now got glass not only on the front, but on the back too — hurrah! I’ve always wanted my iPhone to slip from my hands, freefall to the ground and break not just one side, but the other too!! Thanks, Apple…
Apparently, it’s so they can introduce wireless charging. Wireless charging is the ability to just put your phone down on a desk — oh, but not there, only on the charging mat — and have it charge — wirelessly.
It’s like magic, and so much easier than, um, plugging a cable in. Apple has the power to solve America’s obesity crisis, by making plugging in an iPhone a more strenuous activity. But no … let’s make it even more lazy!
Now, as well as adding more breakable materials, Apple took something away from their iPhone X … the home button. Wow, Apple, that’s incredible news! Clearly they’re running out of things that they can do to improve the device, so they must have just thought: “If we take things away, maybe it’ll look new, fancy, and justify the THOUSAND POUND PRICE TAG”.
Like the iPhone isn’t complicated enough, right? The only thing that keeps me sane when using my iPhone is the knowledge that by hitting the big round button, I will be returned to a screen that looks vaguely familiar.
But no more … Those days are over.
Face ID — the new way to unlock your phone. Because, obviously, using your fingerprint was far too difficult for iPhone users; let’s use your face instead!
I can’t get over the amazing fail at the launch, when the man showing of the glass thingy looked at his phone, in order to easily unlock it, and … uh … it didn’t unlock. AWKWARD!
I’ve always been a big veliever in the upcoming robot rebellion, and I can see its beginnings in Face ID. One day, it’ll all work fine. Next day, 7am, you’ll roll out of bed and try to unlock your phone:
“No, you’ve got bedhead, you ugly shite.”
Don’t say I didn’t warn you …
Finally, I have one last thing to mention.
STILL NO HEADPHONE JACK.
I hope you enjoyed this post: what do you think of the new iPhone X?
L XX (or 10 10?)