Do You Ever …

Do you ever … just … feel sad? Usually, I write this kind of post, and say determinedly that “I don’t know exactly wy”, or that “there are many reasons why” I feel sad, low, or down. That’s just the way I am, I suppose: if you don’t accept that there’s an issue, it doesn’t exist — bullshit, but believable bullshit, if you try hard enough.

Today, though, I do know why I’m sad. Whilst we’re here, I’m using the simplistic, overly-basic word ‘sad’ for no other reason than that by burying it in a longer mix of letters, I merely make the emotion more unclear, and help myself to hide it beneath a facade — some bravado.
I’m sad, because I’m pushing people away. Honestly, I don’t kow why — that’s the truth –, but I can’t lie and say that I don’t know how; I know perfectly well how I’m doing it, but not why.
Never why.
Do you ever just feel isolated, like the close-knit circle around you is rapidly crumbling, exposing you to the ocean of fears and unknowns that you worked so desperately to skim the surface of, and avoid drowning in? Do you ever feel like all your sources of energy — all the people who kept you afloat, who kept you positive and looking up and ahead, rather than at your feet — have, all of a sudden, disappeared, but through no one else’s fault but your own? I don’t know how to capture it in a word, or a sentence, or a novel, for that matter. You can’t capture feelings in that way — it’s the shortcoming of most romantic fiction books, as I think everyone knows.

I’m lonely, but far from alone: quite the opposite, in reality. I have some amazing people around me, most of whom I could text right now, and receive a reply full of support, positivity and love. But you can only get that support if you reach for it — put yourself out there to absorb — and equally importantly share — that positivity, and allow it to take hold of you, and help you go forward. If you can’t get your mind into a state where you can handle other people, then what can you do? If you don’t want to interact with other people, because mentally, you feel incapable, you will (as I have done) latch onto the tiniest reason to avoid talking to individuals. You will allow your mind to bring up minor conflicts of interest that are present in all friendships,– usually from years previously –, and allow the associated emotions of simple sadness to build a figurative barrier between you and that friend.
Whenever I receive a text these days — whoever it be from –, my response is no longer one of even the faintest enthusiasm; instead, it is that of … almost annoyance? I’m almost annoyed that someone wants to invade my bubble, that they feel it appropriate or fair to include me in a world that I just don’t belong in. I’m not good enough for that world: I’m good enough to reside with my thoughts, and to hide away until I’m forgotten by those who do belong, who can smile with genuine happiness, rather than the desire to shrink away when life is too overwhelming — as it almost always is.

And I hate myself for it. i’m lucky — lucky for so many reasons, the biggest and yet most taken-for-granted one being that I’m alive, and live in safety and ‘comfort’. Why am I so reclusive, and consequently ungrateful, when I live, in comparison to others, such an amazing life? Why can’t I cherish the fantastic friends I have, who I care for and who care for me, and allow them to help, rather than pulling away from them because I don’t feel able to cope?

I doubt this makes a lot of sense — as I said, emotions can’t be fully captured with words, however many you choose to use; I tried to use that excuse to avoid writing this post at all. Just know that in my heart, you are all great, and my ability to write this post is thanks to your consistent understanding and support, and my feelings of attachment and love towards you all. I love you.

L XX

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15 thoughts on “Do You Ever …

  1. Hey, I understand. I get that too–that feeling of sadness, or just feeling spaced out or numb, out of nowhere. I also feel guilty for not being grateful and therefore not a positive enough person. But I think everyone gets that kind of feeling once in a while, it’s just that some get it more than others. It’s okay. Your feeling this bout of negativity isn’t going to change the fact that you’re an amazing person, remember that. Have some time for yourself, but don’t immerse yourself in this feeling for too long. It’s easy to lose yourself in it, and it’s tempting to do so, (at least that’s how it is for me) but it wouldn’t solve anything. I usually try distract myself by doing something physical and that doesn’t require much thinking–taking a walk, tidying the house, making bread (I know, I’m weird, but it works :P), etc. After some time, it’ll get better and you won’t even remember why you feel this way. Hope this helps a little, and if it didn’t, well, at least I distracted you for a while, didn’t I πŸ˜‰

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    1. I’m crying thank you so much. It means the world that I’m not alone in this feeling, and that you took the time to write such a lovely, kind, supportive comment. I will take your advice on board — thank you xxx

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  2. I know exactly how you feel, it’s like I have a great support network around me, yet I just push them away as I don’t want to burden them with my troubles. I hardly ever want to talk to my friends, I’m exactly the same when it comes to my phone and getting messages…. x

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You know what? You are not alone in this. We all feel this way at some point I know I have. In fact, it is totally ok to feel this way. You are awesome and I know you will find a way around this. I have every faith in you 😊

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  4. Oh L, don’t hate yourself for it at all! You’re amazing, inspirational & strong & this feeling isn’t one only you experience. I’ve been there, and I see from the comments that others have too. Just keep trying, all of us are on your side❀

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  5. Yes, I’m a little late replying to this but I haven’t had a WiFi signal in days. As usual, I want to say I completely understand what you’re going through. Not long ago I went through a stage where I just didn’t want to talk to anyone. My best friend kept messaging me and I sent her really half-hearted replies, sometimes with just an ellipse and I just felt so sad. I distanced myself from this friend for a couple of days and after talking to a different friend I’ve managed to get back to talking to her. The main thing to remember is that you’re not alone. Yes, I understand that feeling of not wanting to tell all your problems to someone to get sympathy but just doing something you enjoy or talking to someone who you know you get on with, do it to distract yourself. It will get better, it might even be whilst I’m typing this but you’re an amazing person who can get through anything, even this xx

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  6. This blog post everyone needs to see it! I know anyone felt like this at some point in their lives. The feelings you have are allowed, don’t shut it out. What anyone can get from this is knowing what they are going through isn’t abnormal. It is normal. No one is alone with feeling this way. Thank you for sharing such a personal thing! πŸ™‚

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