Self-Confidence

I’ll say it now: I have THE WORST self-confidence. Feeling good about myself is about as likely as me rocking up to a Beyoncé concert and being mistaken for Queen B. For the record, I’m male, white, and really really camp.
I am not Beyoncé.

It’s odd, to be honest, because often, my self-confidence (which all too often has an identity crisis, and morphs into self-loathing) comes out in uncontrolled, uncontrollable and frankly unexpected bursts. This morning is a prime example: I caught the train to school, because I’m ‘that kid’. Usually, I meet a friend on the train; he gets on at the next station, so I have a couple of minutes in which to ponder life. When he didn’t appear, I got out my phone, and tapped out a text message: ‘Hey, where are you? :)’.
this perfectly normal text, however, took me a full 6 minutes to send, because I spent 5:50 minutes thinking, ‘maybe he is avoiding me, because I’m annoying and useless and shitty’.
Eventually, I sent the text, and found that it was because his first train (he’s ‘THAT kid’, who gets two trains) was running late.

So, yeah… this morning wasn’t so great. But, whereas that kind of thing was commonplace just 6 months ago, it’s really rare now, and I know why.
Someone thinks something of me.
I’m not bing egotistical, or big-headed, or subtly romantic — nope, I’m being direct. This friend — the one I mentioned before –, has been fundamental in making me feel … good, yes good, about myself.
He is aware that I have no confidence, no self-worth, nothing like that. He knows it, and I know he knows it, and he knows that I know that he knows it.
I know…
The best part, though, is that he actively makes me feel good about myself. For example, if I say something self-criticising, he actually makes a point of telling me otherwise. For instance, this morning we were talking about the role that clothing plays in our perception of individuals.
L: ‘I just wear jeans and the like: no one takes me seriously anyway.’
Friend: ‘I do.’
It’s two words, yes, but they are two very important words. Those two words made me smile, and made a little bit of me — just a tiny little bit — feel like … like someone cared about me.

And then there are all the little things that, whether others realise it or not, make me feel gradually more valued and less useless:
Someone coming to see me at break, voluntarily, taking me by surprise
Someone wanting to sit next to me in a lesson, and actively engaging with me throughout said lesson
Someone just sending a text, to say hi.
Everything counts, and each time, I feel just one little bit more cared-for, and happy. Slowly, my confidence is building: not all-at-once, but slowly, gradually becoming something to not just possess, but to be rpoud of.

Never underestimate how much a small action can do for someone else. Maybe that friend that you haven’t spoken to in a while would really appreciate a text, even just saying hello. Who knows what it will do for them, and what it will do for you too — everyone matters.

L XX

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21 thoughts on “Self-Confidence

  1. Ahhh you’re so right about how sometimes it just takes the little things people do to make you feel better about yourself! Sometimes I don’t realise how bad my self confidence is and how bad I feel about myself until a friend texts me out of the blue or someone comes over to talk to me at college, just small things like that are really underestimated and sometimes I feel like those little things just sort of happen at the right moments and “save me” however cliché it sounds 😂 but then I keep telling myself that I need to stop relying on other people to make me feel better about myself because they won’t always be there. Arghh it’s a struggle but it was really nice to read about how your friend makes you feel better about yourself, that’s true friendship! x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The little things are so so important. I love having the ability to write this kinda post: I have some truly lovely friends,and it sounds like you do too. Over time, things will start to change; your confidence will grow, I am sure. XX

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Amazing post, as always😊 I wish I had people like that in my life, you’re so lucky you do. But I do have two wonderful friends that fit in that department, they’re just overshadowed by other certain people who make my self confidence worse at times. I can’t win😂

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    1. Argh I know the feeling!! It’s difficult to filter out things that make you feel shitty from things that improve your confidence, but believe me: you will begin doing so. You are amazing XX

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Exactly! But thank you so much😄 I gotta say, one of the things that’s giving me some more confidence in myself is definitely blogging, and all the wonderful bloggers in the community just like you🙂🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I know.. I have low self confidence too but even small things my friends say to me at times can make me feel so much better… I even wondered the same thing about my best friend, whether she was avoiding me, do I annoy her too much… It’s just so frustrating the way I feel sometimes… But thank you so much for this post because it’s a relief to know that I’m not the only one who feels like this… I know the words “Oh you can just believe in yourself! Have more confidence!!” is not gonna help.. But I want to say that you are an AMAZING blogger!

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  4. I don’t know why but this made me feel so emotional because your friend (is it the one I think it is?) is such a wonderful person; you deserve to feel good about yourself every day. The little things, for me, count the most because people are showing you, in their way, that they really do care. I’m so glad that your self confidence is increasing! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I think over time (as other people have mentioned) you will overcome this. Totally agree that the little things matter and make such a huge difference. Like smiling and saying good morning to other commuters for example.

    Liked by 1 person

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