Cluelessness Isn’t So Bad

Dear Me:

Well, here we are — fifteen, and clueless. That’s not so bad though, if you think about it — better to be clueless now, than clueless five, ten, even twenty years down the line. Besides, cluelessness isn’t as bad as it’s made out to be: what’s the harm in a bit of childhood naivety, even if it is deliberate? I don’t want to think about the future — heck, I don’t even want to think about the present.

Maybe, just for now, I’ll think about my future — once every now and then isn’t going to kill me, right?
I’m in Year 10 this year — over half way through my secondary education, which is both exhilarating and bloody terrifying all at once. This time next year, I will hopefully have my head down and my notes open, revising for the most important exams I have taken as of yet (not to say that they’re the most important exams I will ever take). At the moment, I’m doing everything I can to prepare for next year: stress, funnily enough, is stressful, and I am therefore on a mission to avoid it as much as possible.
After my exams, it’s college; I’ll be moving out at sixteen, living away from home, and studying for my A Levels. I don’t even know how that makes me feel any more: it’s kind of a mix of excitement, fear, self-doubt, and the mystery that “something new” creates. In my heart, I am positive that it’ll be fantastic, and I’m not even worrying about it. Still, it’s new, and although change is good, change can be a bit … not scary, as such, but nerve-wracking.
The future looks odd and very different for me, but I’m excited — I truly am.

In life, people will always oppose you; no one is ever just going to say: “just have what you want, do what you want, be who you want — we agree” — if only life worked that way. Well, sorry to burst your bubble, but it doesn’t. It just doesn’t. On the bright side, it’s arguably better to learn this now than it is to find this out later on in life.
Right now, many people are opposing a lot of the things that I’m doing, which can be quite difficult to deal with. Some people seem to think that it is OK to tell me what I should be doing in my own time — at the weekends, for example. Now, that’s fair enough if it’s your parents, or whoever, but your school? I think not. As I say, best to come up against challenges early, than be surprised at their existence later on.
My decision to move to college has always proved to be a little controversial. My parents (luckily) are on-side; my school, not so much. Honestly, I can see why — how good would it look for them if a totally blind student did their GCSEs AND A Levels at their school, completely included? I suppose that ticks a box, but as I think they’re finding out, staying inside boxes just isn’t my forte. I couldn’t give less of a shit about ticking boxes; I’m a person, and I will remind everyone of that until the day I die, if it helps to make people start thinking.

Maybe clueless isn’t quite the right word to use. Without sounding big-headed, I’d say that it’d be pretty difficult to deny that I have a fixed point of view, and that I know what I want, and how, when and why I want it. In that sense, I’m not clueless — just like none of you are truly clueless. All the same, I’m struggling to see past the end of college in 2020. The mountain that is The Future — university, a job, a career — is just too overwhelming. But really, that’s OK — it’s fine for it to be overwhelming, both now, and in x many years time. The future is a lot to deal with — heck, so is the present. But that’s OK.
It’s all OK.

L XX

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12 thoughts on “Cluelessness Isn’t So Bad

  1. Oh gosh I know what you mean. I’m in Year 10 this year too and I was previously in an international school… I basically found out in April last year that I would even been doing GCSEs when I found out I was moving back to England. It’s quite terrifying.

    How come you are moving out for A Levels?

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh that’s so cool! I’m either going to go to this sixth form college which has a really big reputation (not private though :)) and is supposed to have a uni-type feel if you can get in and do A Levels, or I am going to stay at my current school because they offer IB. What A Levels are you thinking of doing?

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Nice! If I do A levels I want to do English, Psychology and Biology. I’m considering doing a level 3 maths qualification that isn’t a levels next year for extra UCAS but I don’t know. If I do IB I’ll also do German, Dance and a proper maths qualification as well 😊 I feel like English and psychology are (obviously) interesting but also seem like they would compliment each other really well

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Follow your heart. Do the subjects you really want to do and have a real passion for. Everything else falls into place anyway, have trust and confidence in yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

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