I think you’ll find that nothing in this world says “GREAT BLOG POST COMING” more than a lonely teenage boy, sat in bed at 5am on a Monday morning, stroking a cat and listening to the entirety of first the Wicked and then the Matilda musical soundtracks. So, this post might end up being alright, I guess…
All of a sudden, I seem to be doing a lot of things which some people refer to as ‘professional’, which is scary because I’m immature and enjoy dancing around in onesies at 9am on Sunday mornings — SOOO professional. I thought, however, that I am now in a better position to comment on some professional-type things — stuff that us normal people just don’t understand, but proper people do. I also thought I’d give you an insight into what ‘professional’ means to me: it’s rather … different, let’s put it that way.
So, without further ado…
WORDS YOU SHOULD NOT USE IN A PROFESSIONAL ENVIRONMENT
Things: Apparently, things is too vague — nothing is to be vague in OfficeLand. This, however, confuses me somewhat, as I have never seen longer emails which talk about LITERALLY NOTHING than those sent in Officeland, and surely that is the simplest definition of vagueness…
Stuf: Again, too vague.
Hello: Never start an email with ‘Hello’ in OfficeLand; I would advice you go for ‘Hi’, and always follow with the recipients name, because that way they feel intimidated and potentially a bit paranoid — “HE/SHE KNOWS MY NAME!”
Shit: I don’t know why, but this one doesn’t seem to go down well in official emails… Thoughts?
L BEING PROFESSIONAL
I thought that I should give you an idea of how I cope with professionalism, to get you on the right tracks, or to inspire you… I’ll talk about what these professional terms mean to me, and what they really mean to professionals, too.
Professional term: A productive spring morning working on my laptop in the garden
L’s translation: A semi-productive half-an-hour, in a onesie, sat at the backgarden table with Twitter, facebook and a Google tab open (just in case of emergencies), looking busy. There is often a cup of coffee in the vicinity too, in case it is suddenly required to look professional for some kind of dramatic photoshoot — the life of the famous, eh? To be honest, though, this is probably what all those proper-looking people are doing, too — who’s ACTUALLY working in the garden when there’s sunshine and cats and scary wasps ugh?
Professional term: Working on the train
L’s translation: Sitting in standard class on the train. all of those proper-looking people go in first class, though, don’t they? As you approach the first class carriage — which you invariably have to do to get anywhere near the buffet carriage, in which they sell overpriced coffee and cake –, you can just hear the click-click-clicking of laptop keys, as they type out their oh-so-important email to “Tarquan, back in the office darling”. I bet really they’re all just on Facebook, talking about ‘last night’… Just speculating.
Professional term: Business travel
L’s translation: Getting on a fucking train, OK? It’ll probably end up being a replacement bus service — welcome to Britain, honey!
Professional term: Sorry, my meeting overran
L’s translation: Sorry, my Netflix series overran … by a couple of days.
PROFESSIONAL EMAIL TEMPLATE
If you’re stuck trying to write a professional email, don’t worry — I’m here for you. follow my template, and you’ll have a great email ready to send whenever you wish.
Quick bit of advice though: if, like me, you do anything remotely serious between the hours of 12am and 6am, try anh hold off sending emails to professionals bntil at least 8am; it looks odd, working at 2am, alright?
Hi Dude/Dudess, (probs best to go with ‘Sir’ or ‘Madam’, but run that risk if you want to…)
I hope you’re well. (You don’t actually hope they’re well — in fact, if they weren’t, you could probably steal their job and potentially get more money … just saying.)
I’m writing to you today to (insert bullshit here).
I look forward to yur reply. (Oh, I’m literally so excited to hear back from you… not.)
Kind Regards (If you don’t like their reply to you, send your next email with just ‘Regards’, to show them you are losing your cool.)
So, after reading this, I hope I have given you the knowledge and skills you need to work in an office/other professional environment! Yay — you’re job ready.
… Actuually, no, wait — you’re not. Comb that hair now: it’s a mess!