A Curtain of Paranoia

Often, I am paranoid; I am convinced people are talking about me behind my back, or are being ‘false friends’ with me — after all, who wants to upset the blind guy? I suppose it’s just part of my nature, which is fine: we’re all individuals, and we all feel differently; that’s what makes us all beautiful. Sometimes, though, I wonder whether my knowledge of my own paranoia is allowing myself to excuse things that happen which maybe I should be paying just a little bit more attention to.

Someone said a really lovely thing about me today. They said that I always try to make people happy, and put the upmost effort in to make sure that everything works well. Although I consciously try to do this whenever, wherever and however I can, it’s rare — and really nice — to hear that someone else recognises it. Occasionally, it does feel like all of that effort goes to waste; don’t get me wrong — I’m not asking for everyone to drop to their knees and thank me from the bottom of their hearts — no. Instead, just every now and then, a quick ‘thank you’, or just some form of recognition, is a lovely gesture to make. I mean, usually, just watching people be happy, due to something I’ve done or helped to do is enough: that’s all the motivation and gratitude I need.

I don’t want to go into detail, because it’s just not fair on other people. I suspect those people are reading this though, and so let me say this to them — to you –, before I say anything else:
This is in no way a personal attack, or a post being bitchy or shitty. Really, I just need to get out how I feel. if I had another platform, i’d use it — it’s not fair that you have to see this, because you shouldn’t have to deal with me and my emotions. but blogging is all I have, and I swore to be honest here.

When you think that everyone is out to get you — to upset you, or just to be shitty to you –, it can be difficult to trust people, and to make firm friendships. However, when you know in yourself that your brain likes to make you feel paranoid, and there’s very little you can do about it aside from knowing that it is happening, and trying to monitor yourself — that can screw you up. It can make things worse, because you never know how to interpret others’ words and actions — what are they thinking? Am I being paranoid? Or am I not being paranoid?
Passing everything off as paranoia works 99% of the time, until something happens which actually might be a little bit more than ‘just in your head’. what if, actually, your friendships aren’t quite as straight forward as you had just managed to convince yourself that they were? What if, for once, your brain’s incessant paranoia was actually justified?

Again, without going into details, something happened this weekend that made me question a lot about a few friendships I have. I spoke to the people involved, and they gave me their side of the story — I appreciate that. Usually, I’d go ahead and put the last of my niggling paranoid thoughts to bed — it’s over, we can move on. But this time, sadly, I just can’t do that. There’s too much that doesn’t add up, too much that cant’ be explained with a text message.
Usually, with enough ‘I’m OK, seriously’ messages, I can not only convince the recipient, but myself too. It’s a coping mechanism, I suppose — tell everyone else that you’re OK, until you’ve lied enough to convince yourself that you are. This time, though, I struggled to lie to others — if you can’t tell someone else that yu’re OK, you have no hope of convincing your own mind that it’s true.

And so, maybe I need to start looking at things clearly. I found it really helpful to talk to friends about my problems this weekend; it really does help getting other people to tell you whether your thinking rationally or being completely out of order. Maybe the curtain of ‘oh, it’s just me being paranoid’ is hiding a little more than it should be — I just don’t know right now. But, for my peace of mind and my sanity, I need to find out.

I have no idea if this made sense — the irony of it not making sense makes me oddly satisfied; it reflects how I’m feeling inside.

L XX

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