There are many terrifying experiences that a human may or may not face in their lifetime: being trapped in an enclosure filled with maneating tigers; finding yourself surrounded by knife-wielding psychopaths; having a “discussion” with the bus driver when you KNOW that he has got your fare wrong AND YOU ARE RIGHT BECAUSE YOU KNOW THE FARE OFF BY HEART AND NO BUS COMPANY WOULD DARE RAISE YOU FARE.
Here in Britain, there are a whole host of other terrifying experiences, including watching foreign tourists attempting to queue properly, or approaching a self-service check-out machine in the supermarket — who actually knows how to use those things? I think, however, that there is one thing here in Britain that scares all of us more than anything else — literally, there’s nothing worse than … a trip to the Apple store.
I know, I know — Brits, rejoice, for we are about to show the rest of the world everything that is wrong with the whole Apple store experience.
Picture the scene: it’s a lovely day on a typical British high street: shoppers walking purposefully towards nowhere in particular in stoney-faced silence; cheerful music turned down to the lowest volume, so as not to offend any passing british citizens; all shoppers sharing just one common objective — to get out of there AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. And then, realisation strikes — you can see it in their eyes. A family unit stops dead in their tracks, looks into each other’s faces and begin to uncontrollably shake with a combination of nerves and pure, burning rage. When you see this scene, you know what’s about to happen: they’ve got to go to the apple store.
In all fairness, there is one good (or bad, it depends how you look at it) thing about the Apple store: you will never, EVER have the usual 25 minute unnecessary hike, desperately searching for the place — believe me, just follow the screams and sounds of teardrops falling into a pool of past customers’ own tears of fear. Honestly, though, could Apple possibly get any more lights into those shops? Or any louder music? Or, like, any bigger doorways? … I think not — you can’t miss the place (unfortunately).
Once you’ve found it, you take a deep breath in, set an expression that clearly reads “don’t you fucking dare approach me” on your face, and place one foot over the fresh old.
And it begins…
“Good morning Sir, how can I help you today?”
“How are you doing today, Sir?”
“What brings you to the Apple Store today, sir?”
I CAME TO BUY A PAIR OF EARPHONES, NOT TO MAKE A NEW FRIEND!
I don’t remember requesting any help from you, over-enthusiastic customer service person. I’m sure in America, customer service is amazing — you will never be confused in a shop, and you will certainly never be lonely. Here in Britain, however, things are SLIGHTLY different: we want to be alone, fuck off.
It’s literally like being pounced on, and it’s stressful. These people have been brainwashed into these unnatural human characteristics, determined to help you. well, guess what? I don’t want your help, OK?
the worst thing is, these people are British! Once upon a time they were just like the rest of us — they were normal. In some factory somewhere in China or Leeds or somewhere, they’ve been stripped of all their British pride, and trained to be … nice. What is this thing called again? Oh yeah — friendliness.
But, to give credit where it’s due, this tactic works. Oh my God — it works. You go in intending to by a pair of earphones and a new iPhone charger, and you come out with 4 MacBooks, 2 new iPhones (they come with chargers, so at least you got what you needed), a new iPad and an Apple watch, just to get away from the bloody creepy shop assistant. Oh yeah — you have a new friend too — brilliant.
Mr apple, if you’re reading this, sort this out, please… This is basically bullying customers into buying shit that we DO NOT WANT. It’s not fiar, it’s not right, and it’s not British — stop being nice, OK?