I’m sat in bed, with my laptop open and my phone beside me, headphones on. God — it’s been so long since I’ve done this. It’s been too long, in fact; i’m sorry about that.
Heck, why am I apologising here? The only person I should be saying sorry to is myself — what’s new there? Does this make any sense to you?
This week especially, I’ve noticed that it’s been more difficult to keep my head above the water: school has been stressful; my best school-friend has been away on an international trip; homework has been insanely intense, and however daft it sounds, the shitty British weather has just blanketed everything in some layer of depressed gloom, if you will. From the outside, I’m sure my week looked alright to most people: I went to town on Friday, and texted my friends as usual — what’s so different?
Well, there is something, and in some ways, I’ve already explained it. I have had no time this week whatsoever for myself. At no poit this week have I sat down with a good book, or spent any time listening to my music in the evenings — none of that. Even if I’d started doing so, the pressures of homework would never leave my mind for long enough to allow me to do so without guilt pushing me towards my desk — towards my work. only now, at close to 1:30am on Sunday morning can I sit in bed, laptop open, listening to music and blogging, texting my friends, and being calm.
I’ve had several mini breakdowns this week. I’m not going to talk in depth about them: I don’t want to, and besides — that’s not why i’m writing this. But the fact of the matter is that I had some mild breakdowns and panic attacks this week — at home and at school –; they haven’t come on in quite a while until now. I do honestly believe that it’s because I’ve had no relaxation this week. I know myself — I know how I work, in other words –, and I need time to relax and just chill in order to function properly, and stay calm and coordinated.
Without relaxation, I become (what I would call) emotionally volatile; it takes just one TINY thing to send me over the edge into my own isolated land of worry, stress and general sadness. Once I’m there, it’s difficult to leave; I tend to end up cutting myself away from everything (and everyone) for a while, until I’ve got myself into some kind of reasonable state of mind. That cycle has happened countless times this week, and it saddens me that I’m back in this position; things had been going so well this year, until now.
Why am I writing this? I think, honestly, it’s just to get all this off my chest, and throw a brief hope out there into the vast expanse of the interent that, somewhere, there is someone who relates, somewhat. But, alsi, I bring a message which I think is so important: do what you love, and care about yourself too. School and exams can seem huge, and you can feel controlled and pressured by them. Never, ever forget to take time out, however, and just relax. Listen to your favourite abbum, or read a book, or draw a picture — whatever calms you down. Believe me, you’ll feel so much better for it, and hopefully won’t end up in t similar mess to that which I’m in at the moment.