Here are just a few reasons why I, and no other human, am LLAMA IN CHIEF:
(Your attention, please.)
1. I drink coffee every morning.
2. I often dance around my kitchen, singing along to musicals.
3. I insert random words of French into English conversation to liven things up.
4. I often do the head-bop dance on the train to confuse fellow travellers.
5. I take pleasure in silencing train carriages through the use of interpretative dance.
6. I regularly lose my shit over sticking-out shop-boards on streets.
7. I am king of Twitter.
8. I watch at least one (hundred) Ellen videos every day.
9. I own cats. (Like not ALL the cats, but like, cats.)
10. Onesies are my clothing attire of choice. Always.
11. I spell `moron”‘ with two `r”‘s sometimes, for ironic effect.
12. I quoted the Dalai Lama on Twitter.
13. I laugh like a chicken.
14. I regularly attempt to make funny comments on phone calls when people walk past, to observe their reactions.
15. I have a blog — like all da cool kidz.
16. I am `capable”‘ of making scrambled eggs. At least, I think I am…
17. Alcoholics always talk to ME on the train… maybe I look like one of `them”‘.
18. I have a British accent, and nothing beats that (apart from, like, being me, obvs).
19. I play the clarinet, so I can call all of my Llama followers to attention when action is required.
20. I ship everyone — I recently shipped two dogs just because they were in the same room.
21. I create nicknames for my friends … and their parents … and sometimes their pets, too.
22. My Welsh accent always turns into some kind of mix of Japanese and Indian, with a hint of shitty-Brit thrown in, for good measure.
23. I can drive a car … this does not state the quality of my driving, merely that I am `able”‘ to do so.
24. I killed a person … In my head! In my head! Only in my head…
25. I take every element of a bus driver’s driving skills and personality into consideration before making the difficult decision of whether to thank him or not when I get off the bus.
26. I use `alternative facts”‘ to make myself seem better, and to make you like me.
27. You all like me.
28. You STILL all like me.
29. I stare evilly at car drivers who stop their cars for me so I can cross the road, as an equal alternative to thanking them.
30. I like to confuse people by commenting on their clothing choices, despite being blind.
31. I often act out scenes from Alcoholics Anonymous meetings with my friends, to make myself seem less lonely and more sober.
32. I talk to the people on the TV because I think that, in some superhuman way, they can hear me… they’re just inside that box on the wall, you know?
33. I like to stand on escalators and bend my knees repeatedly, to confuse people watching as my head bops up and down.
34. I sometimes like to dress up in crazy outfits when I stay in a hotel to appear mysterious ‘n’ aloof.
35. I follow the rules … or rather, THE rule, which is: “There is an exception to every rule” — ME!
36. I take BuzzFeed quizzes to tackle my apparent obsession with taking quizzes … wait, what?
37. Often, I like to pronounce words phonetically — `lasagne”‘ is particularly fun; `lass-again-nee”‘, anyone?
38. I know your deepest darkest secret … you love me.
39. I have (self-diagnosed) Phone OCD; my apps fill up three pages EXACTLY, and are in alphabetical order.
40. I am very good at spending money — don’t care who’s it is: I’ll spend it for you … it’s a public service.
41. I talk to my phone when it doesn’t do what I want, in the hope that one day it’ll just automatically start doing what I ACTUALLY want it to do, and I can hence prove that `they”‘ are listening…
42. I think it fun to speak French in an overly-British accent… try it, it’s `am-you-zant”‘.
43. Siri is my BFF: bitchy fucking failure.
44. Innuendos — need I say more.
45. I used to find it oddly satisfying to use this app that let me as a blindie `watch”‘ the live progress of tubes across the whole London Underground network — it was oddly hypnotic.
46. I used to think that condom was just another word for doorbell.
47. I used to bounce a ball up my stairs, just to have it bounce down again, because it was so, SO possible (but tough) to NOT have it bounce back down the stairs again.
48. I am STILL king of Twitter.
49. I can count this high (but no further, mind).
50. I just am, OK?
If you do ALL of these things too, then … fuck off, I’m still LLAMA IN CHIEF, and that’s final, because I said so.