O to the M to the G
It’s Christmas, and I’m as unprepared for it as Peter Rabbit is for leading a full-on nuclear war effort against Bob the Builder, by which I mean not prepared whatsoever (I hope). Anyways, I thought I’d give you an insight into my Christmas nightmare situation, which for the record happens every year without fail, but presenting to you L’s TOP FIVE (because ten is just far to difficult) CHRISTMAS PREPARATION FAILS! Yay!!!
L’s TOP FIVE CHRISTMAS PREPARATION FAILS
a1. Christmas Gift Wrapping
Is there anyone else out there who just has a really rocky relationship with any or all of the following:
A.) sticky tape
B.) wrapping paper
If so, I’m here for you, because I feel your pain — no, really, I do. Wrapping presents tends to go something like this:
* places gift on surface before me *
`Ah, what a thoughtful person I am, for buying this shithead a gift — aren’t I just fabulous?”‘
* begins to unroll wrapping paper from aesthetically-pleasing scroll *
* wrapping paper rolls all the way to the edge of the table, beyond my control, and falls to the ground, leaving a slowly unravelling scroll behind it *
* calmly gathers wrapping paper *
* starts cutting paper with scissors, before realising that paper is speckled with blood, leaking from a cut on your hand you never realised you had *
* finally creates nice shape of paper to wrap gift *
* spends five hundred million hours find the the end of the bloody tape *
* tries to stick tape on wrapping paper, before twisting it all by accident and tearing wrapping paper *
`Fuck. This. Shit.”‘
2. Christmas Song Singing
Everyone knows the well-famous songs that only surface around Christmas time: All I Want for Christmas, Last Christmas, Driving Home for Christmas … they all, for whatever reason, have one word in common: Christmas (I wonder why).
Then, however, there is another one — THE other one. Fairy Tale of New York. Yeah, that one — you know it. But, the real question: what the BLOODY HELL is that man at the beginning singing about? Like, seriously? He sounds drunk, intoxicated — whatever you call it. I genuinely have no idea what he’s saying.
The sensible thing would be to take that opportunity to make polite conversation with family, who also don’t know the lyrics. So, what does L do? Of course, L tries to impersonate drunk singer, and makes slurring noises … at which point the speakers break, and it’s just me, sounding drunk, all by myself, like a weirdo.
3. Christmas Gift Hiding
It’s literally the one time of year when L turns into the Pink Panther. I don’t know if the Pink Panther hid stuff (I’ve never even watched it), but sneaking around the house, hiding gifts for (undeserving) family members suits the Pink Panther music perfectly. And that’s me: sneaking around my house, hiding presents as if I’m some kind of drug dealer, hiding my secret stash of weed, when really it’s just a nice little present with a Christmas card attached. All it would take for someone in my household to find their presents would be for them to wander into my room, find the one draw/cupboard with is closed, open it, and wam — there you have it: your 2016 Christmas Gift, with love and best wishes from L.
4. Christmas Dinner Preparing
As a good son/brother/functioning member of a family, I `help”‘ my parents prepare Christmas dinner.
What a load of shit.
No, no — seriously, I do, and it’s potentially the most stressful thing I do all year round. Invariably, the turkey ordered from a generic British supermarket is huge; there are just the four of us in my family at home for Christmas day, and we have to worry about whether it’ll actually fit in our oven — it’s tradition. In our house, we tend to make our own Yorkshire puddings; if you’re not British/don’t know what Yorkshire puddings are, do a quick Google search for them now. Essentially, they are just bowl-shaped pieces of batter, which some people fill or pour gravy in. They’re lush, OK? Making them, however, is genuinely more challenging than it may seem; they always end up looking like mini mountains of batter. Why, though, do we get so worked up? It’s just the immediate family looking at/eating them (and my Facebook friends, obvs); don’t worry! If they look like footballs or discs or whatever, it doesn’t matter! Just chill, OK?
5. Christmas Gift Unwrapping
We started with wrapping, and we’re finishing with unwrapping: I’d say it’s equally as stressful. Unwrapping presents in front of people is potentially a Brit’s worst nightmare. Ever. Because, like, you HAVE to pretend it’s your FAVOURITE thing in the entire world, and that you love it more than your family, your friends, and your pet cats. God forbid they think you don’t adore it to the moon and back; that would just be catastrophic.
And then, there’s unwrapping presents in general, because how do you do it? Do you try and unwrap them neatly, creating a neat pile of wrapping paper which if you’re old/really bored, you will save and reuse next year? (What’s that about — Christmas wrapping paper really isn’t that expensive, you know?) Or, like me, do you just tear it off because FFS, the bin-men are unlikely to judge me as a person based on my present-unwrapping skills. Seriously, it don’t matter, innit.
Do you have the same Christmas fails as me? Maybe you have your own Xmas woes. Tell me about them, or tell me which one of these you face… Someone, please confide in me: I don’t want to be a lonely Christmas failure!