Vulnerable

If it’s cold outside, I tend not to wear a coat, hat, scarf or gloves; I’m just not a winter-dress type of guy. Coats are heavy, cumbersome, and weigh me down, as well as making me feel depressed because, well, it’s winter, and that’s shitty. This morning, however, I did wrap up warm in a coat and bobble hat (cute, L — cute), for my daily stroll/oh-my-God-I’m-running-late-again-walk to the bus stop. I recognise that coats are useful; they keep us warm, after all, and prevent us from dying (exaggeration? I think not…)

Relate this to my life: when life is bleak, cold, bitter and unpleasant, I tend not to defend myself, preferring to leave myself vulnerable to the world around me. When people say mean shit, or when there are rumours and lies circulating about me, I choose to leave myself open to attack, rather than covering myself up, protecting myself from all of the comments and the hate. I should probably stop reading the words so unsubtly directed at me online, or allow others to convince me that they’re wrong, that I’m better than that — better than them. Still, it’s like a deadly disease in my mind attracts me to the posts which so cruelly destroy me, piece by piece, as if, in some twisted way, I’m determined to break myself from the inside out.

Maybe there’s a point though. Maybe there is a line which exists somewhere in my mind, like the one I found this morning after stepping out the door and allowing the icy wind to latch on to my pale skin. Somewhere in there, there could be a line which, at some point, will make itself known, allowing me to block out the hate, and stay in my little bubble, untouchable. In several days, or several weeks, or several months, or even several years, my metaphorical coat will reveal itself — hopefully, anyway —, and things will start getting better.
Fuck, I hope this coat fits me…
Some tendencies, I suppose, are apparent in all aspects of life: I can neither protect myself against the harsh, cruel winters, nor the cold words of others. But one day…

L XX

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12 thoughts on “Vulnerable

  1. You may be more vulnerable now, but you’re not weak, and you never have been. One day, you will stand up and say that you’re stronger than you ever have been. Because you Will BE. This was an amazing post!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I really love love this post. I love the use of metaphor and it’s just well written. Also, fuck those hate comments and haters. Those haters probably just want to get notice because you’re so cool. Maybe, they’re also secret fans who just wants to get noticed by their idol (you!)! Haha

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Beautiful comparison. Love it! Haven’t been active too much was happy to come back to this, I too am vulnerable and do not defend myself but just know that you’re not alone and you’re not weak! We’re all going through our own shit and we’re all hopefully gonna make it out 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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