I think that all I’ve seen on Twitter over the last 48 hours or so is people talking about the most recent update to the iPhone, iOS 10. It is, by my most diplomatic of descriptions, very different, whether that be a positive thing or a negative thing. (i.e it’s FUCKING AWFUL!)
So, in a lite-hearted (and, according to my apparently non-existent typing skills today, lite-headed) way of releasing my frustration with the new update, I’d like to leave a brief (who am I kidding with ‘brief’) comment on just a few of the new features. I hope you enjoy…
How the hell do I get into this thing?
Yes, you guessed it: the new way to unlock your iPhone. as sliding that stupid little slider in iOS 9 was too easy, by Apple’s standards anyway, they’ve decided to scramble our brains and muscle memory by making it ALL different – fantastic.
It says, quite clearly, on the lock screen:
“Press Home to Unlock”
… Like any slightly-sane iPhone user, I pressed the home button – that BIG ROUND BUTTON on the front of the phone (so helpfully removed in the latest iterations of this ‘revolutionary’ device, rendering this instruction pretty much useless). I was presented with the passcode screen. This in itself was a fucking shocker – passcode? I just use my thumb these days – I’m shitting James Bond, y’know?
No one, not even the phone itself, cared to inform me of the intricate fashion in which I must now go about unlocking my iPhone, despite the appearance of a Tips app, perfectly suitable for displaying this type of information, instead of providing useless and obvious ‘helpful tips’ which make me feel like apple is calling me an incapable idiot.
To unlock your iPhone:
1. Press the BIG ROUND BUTTON.
2. Growl in frustration as you just take too long for your iPhone’s patience, and it locks itself.
3. Repeat step 1&2 three times over.
4. Rest the magic finger on the BIG ROUND BUTTON.
5. watch as your hopes and dreams slide away as your phone insists that your finger must ‘Try Again’.
… Did I only get a C minus?
6. Allow iPhone to accept your fingerprint.
7. Swipe your way around the array of useful (sniggers) information available on your lock screen, notification centre (what even is that please?) and your camera…
By the time you’ve found said camera, the picture opportunity is not only out of sight and out of mind, but out of living memory, too.
8. Press the BIG ROUND BUTTON again (surely it needs replacing by now, after this many taps and presses)
9. Somehow unlock that bloody iPhone… That smashed screen was there before, right?
Phew, now we’ve tackled that, let’s move on to… Wait, what hust happened there?
another ‘useful’ new feature of Apple’s creation in iOS 10 is named Raise to wake. It does, for once, exactly what it says on the tin (well, Settings app anyway). Whenever you lift up your phone from a pocket, or from your desk, it helpfully flicks the display on for you, just in case you hadn’t noticed the £500+ lump of metal and glass in your hand… I mean, who would notice it? Of course, NO ONE picks up their iPhone to, say, move it – that’s just SO 2015! I know I’m smartphone obsessed, but I want my phone to discourage that, not make my issues worse, OK? Pressing a button was just enough effort to put me off taking ‘one last cheaky glance at Twitter’. My phne wressing that button for me is just one step too far, Apple – one step TOO far this time, you hear me?!
We all know that trademark iPhone keyboard click, right? The one you hear on the train all the time, giving an air of sophistication to those bored-looking commuters in the first-class carriage of a London-to-nowhere-particularly-interesting-but-still-said-with-enthusiasm-by-the-self-titled-train-manager-who-is-probably-nowhere-near-as-important-as-he-or-she-makes-himself-or-hersllf–out-to-be… Yeah, that one. Well, it’s gone.
Gone, i say- GONE!
Instead, it’s been replaced with a sound which I am affectionately (ha ha ha ha) calling the bubble-click. Basically, it sounds like your iPhone is popping air-bubbles in a pool of water. What are you trying to say, apple? Is there water in my phone?
Wait… Is. There. Water. IN. My. Phone?
Is this your new marketing idea? I’m just picturing a load of Apple designers in an American office complex…
[Scene 1. Man in suit addresses man in jeans.]
Suit: “Sales have been dropping,recently – just 300 million phones in the last 12 hours. What shall we do?”
Jeans: “Let’s release an update that inserts water into iPhones. Then, people will have to buy new ones. And, we could helpfully inform them by making a new click sound, sew that they can’t sue us for damage!”
Suit: “Good plan.”
[Exit suit and jeans, leaving jeans’s shirt behind, presumably…]
And, as another subtle hint to me, the user of an iPhone, Apple switched out the gun emoji for the much less violent watergun. This is, however, the one thing I like about iOS 10, and it’s for a reason I bet you’ll never guess… Until now.
Or now, for the slower among you.
Or maybe even now…
I went on a trip to the south of France with my school aast year, in May. It was unbelievably hot while we were there, and so we decided that, whilst out shopping, we’d buy some water pistols. However, none of us new the word for water pistol in French, and as it was the south of France, the people spoke nothing but French and some Spanish
As an English tourist, this made me angry, and for some reason, I felt the need to shout at the top of my voice in English, because that’s how all A* students pass GCSE French, isn’t it?
Anyway, now, I’ll just show them the watergun emoji, and we’ll all be on the same page – such delights!
I think as a child, ‘bedtime’ was potentially my least favourite word ever said by my parents. We all had that one thing that told us it was ‘bedtime’: mine was the BBC News theme tune, at the end of the BBC London News at 7pm, or at least that’s the one which I remember. Well, the horror of ‘bedtime’ has been long gone for years now… At least, it WAS long gone. Apple clearly had to change that, though.
Introducing Bedtime, the ‘helpful’ new addition to the iPhone which will push you like a nagging mother to get into your bed at a reasonable time (for weirdos), and will wake you up after a certain amount of time, because they’d be cruel if they allowed us to have a nice lie-in, right? It sends you a nice little reminder at a set time, reminding you that you should probably go to sleep soon. the worst part, however, is that it tracks your usage of your iPhone, just in case you dare cheat the Bedtime system, and spend an extra hour (or few) on twitter, WordPress or snapChat. I suppose the next update will provide a nice little alert on your screen whenever you yawn during the day, reading:
“Haha, told you so”
Great… G. R. E. A. T.
Apparently, iOS is becoming ‘smarter’. Now, starting from iOS 10, Photos can recognise my friends’ faces, and organise my photos by who appears in them.
First of all, I’m not smart, but I do happen to know the difference between one of my friends and another of my friends – wow, L, just wow…
Secondly, I’m genuinely expecting an app any day now which will monitor something like my iPhone activity, and if I don’t use it enough for Apple’s liking, they will send out a robot, called Siri, to destroy each and every one of my friends, using (guess what),my friends faces in my photos!
Apple, make it stop… Argh!
and so that is all for my review of iOS 10 – I hope you found it informative, and I hope you could use it to make a balanced and well-advised decision on whether to update your iPhone’s software. If you haven’t done that yet, let me help you: