Overdue

And here’s the overdue post.
The post where I feel self-pity.
The post where I’m selfish.
The post where I act as if the world’s wrongs are solely designed to negatively impact me, and only me.

Everywhere I look, people are having a nice, relaxed summer break: some are going on holiday to lovely distinations; some are spending quality time with family and frineds; some are arranging daytrips and days out with the ones they love. Regardless, all I see, everywhere on and offline, are people having a nice time, and honestly, I couldn’t be more happy for them.

But then there’s me.

I want a break. what I want most of all, now, is to pack a bag and run, run to somewhere far, far away. I want, with a burning desperation which I cannot extinguish, to flee to somewhere beautiful, with a select few who love me and whom I love, and just be. More than anything else, I need to escape: escape the stress, the workload, the bad friendship-screw-ups, all of it.
But I can’t.
Often, when I say this to people in real life, they make the perfectly understandable point that there is hardly a weekend that goes by when I’m not somewhere or other in the country, travelling, roaming free. This point is one I am unable to deny but, see, those travelling weekends are always for either one thing or another, which whether directly or indirectly, always link back to one of the above problems. These links vary, dependent on activity and even timing – what’s happening at that given time in my life plays a part in all that.
All the same, it never provides a break from everything.
And that’s what I need.

I haven’t been on holiday with my family for 7 years. I find myself making this point year after year, the number of years increasing, but the number seemingly having no more of an impact on those I tell. Bringing this point up with my parents, however, results in the immediate comeback to remind me where I went with school that given year, or where I went with blindie camp. The one point i’m trying to make, however, is typically the one point that they are so blind to: I want to spend time with my family. I’m not ashamed to admit that we have our fair share of disagreements, argumets and uneasy, tense moments, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love them. As I say year on year, I’d happily sacrifice the times I have away one year for a family holiday, to spend some quality time with both my parents and my sister.
They are having none of it.
But then i’m being selfish.
So I stop talking.

Summer has brought me times of joy before now, yes, but it can also be difficult, and not just for the reasons above. Every summer, I’m reminded of the operation which, 8 years ago now, took my sight away from me in an experimental cancer treatment. In the words of Hazel, a character patient in The Fault In our Stars, it was one of those ‘famous in Cancervania for not working’.
Needless to say, mine didn’t break the trend.
However much I ramble on about not wanting my sight back, there’s nothing there that says that I don’t regret [for want of a better word] losing it in the first place. The question which I answer frequently is: would you like to get your sight back? The question is not: would you rather you had kept your sight?
because that’s a totally different question.
And a totally different answer.

Today, someone upset me. Frankly, I’m not sure if they meant to or not, and I think I’d rather rtain my lack of knowledge there.
Some of you will know of my rocky friendship wihh a certain person, one who has not always treated me brilliantly: spilling secrets, spreading rumours, and generally betraying my trust. Honestly, I thought we were done with second chances after the sixth, seventh, eigth and ninth chances rolled in and rolled out again, but I’m a sucker for punishment. Slowly, over recent months, I’ve tried my very best to rebuild a friendship from the bottom up, purposefully designing it to be less all-encompassing than our last one – built on trust, rather than dependent on it.
Really I thought we were getting somewhere – I swear I did, but what happened today just demonstrates how wrong I was. Already I’m crying again, because I thought, or hoped maybe, that things were sliding back together, in a new formation admittedly, but one which we both agreed to.
I put a Facebook status up today, stating that I was reading a book, called Try Not To Breathe; I’ve mentioned it here before, somewhere. Several hours later, a comment pops up on my post:
‘You should try taking some advice from the title of this book.’
Call me sensitive, call me weak, call me stupid – trust me, you wouldn’t be the first, and you won’t be the last by any means. I acknowledge that I have quite a sarcastic, twisted sense of humour, and my frineds know that. With each individual frinnd, I try to test out my humour, to see how far is ‘too far’ with one particular person. All of my friends know, however, that a remark like that is one step too far.
No, scrap that: it’s a whole stride too far.
Does it need to get any worse?
Yes, it’s my life – of course tt does! This person is one of the very few people in my real life who knows about the times when I genuinely wanted to kill myself. he was there at those times, during those long, long nights.
… And that makes that comment 1000 times more hurtful.

I’m sorry. I needed to get everything here off my chest before I exploded in a heap of emotions, which never ends well.
I hope you understand.

L XX

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35 thoughts on “Overdue

  1. They may say that you’re all those things but I personally say you’re one of the nicest people I know. If that person were really your friend, they wouldn’t have said that. Just know that I’ve got your back. Always.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. No you’re the amazing one. You just needed reminding and I’ll.do that as many times and necessary

        Like

  2. Gosh that is a HURTFUL thing to say. Please, please – as hard as it is – do try to discard it and remember that you’re a great, great (and mature, you wise ol’ soul) person.
    Also, I never knew that was how you lost your sight. I think I vaguely remember reading something about it in an old post but it’s properly struck me. You’re a very interesting person – not in a weird way, I just really like your style of writing and (okay fine I admit) I did blog-binge.
    You keep being you.
    And I hope you get that family time.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank tiu so much. I guess it’s the right thing to do – to forget what he said -, but it’s too easy to take it to heart. I hope I get the family time too

      Like

  3. I had to read this three times, and even now I still don’t quite know what to say. You’re not being selfish, when you say that you want a regular holiday with your family – that’s normal, to want to strengthen and find comfort and relax in that dynamic.Like you, I’d kill for a ‘normal’ family getaway. As to the FB commenter? That’s not friendship, at least not as how I see it. You’re not sensitive, weak, or stupid. Not now. Never. Sending love x x x

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry you feel this way. You don’t deserve people like that in your life. You really don’t. Honestly, I wish there was something more I could do than write this comment. Hope you feel better soon.
    -Dani

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Aww L, those people are serious jerks, but think about it, to be honest who has time in their lives to think about how to come up with such spiteful things. Just remember, behind screens they’re probably some self centred 9 year old. But still, I get you with the holiday thing. My mums a single mum so we don’t go on holiday much at all. Maybe you could slip it into conversation, make a list of reasons why you’d want to go, make sure they know it’s something you really want to do. They might listen, so have a try.

    I know it’s hard to be strong, and it’s hard to do a lot of things but just push through, ignore the haters, and embrace who you are. That may seem hard, but maybe one day it’ll just click or happen.

    I literally have no idea if this comment made any sense or was helpful – but hopefully it was just a little bit.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sure it was helpful! Thank you so much πŸ™‚
      I’ve tried bringing the holiday idea up with them several times, but with no success. Oh well, maybe one day…
      I think you’re right about the commentor: haters gonna hate!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. That Facebook comment was rude and mean of them. They obviously are idiots and don’t deserve people like you in their lives. Also about the holiday thing with the parents, I kinda understand what you mean: my family don’t really get along but we love each other and it would be nice to get to know them because I hardly spend time with them. You’re not selfish and your posts actually bring out stuff which I never thought about

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I hope you are right about that comment.
      Yeah, it would be nice… I feel that it would be beneficial for everyone involved, but sometimes things don’t work out as they should, and clearly holidays are just one of those things.
      I’m glad my posts make you think πŸ™‚ X

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Hi L, to begin with that comment on your status was the lowest level a “person”(for lack of a better term) could possibly stoop to. It is not my place to be this angry at that person but I am done with people bluntly saying what they want without thinking of the consequences. Someone plz gift him/her a new brain.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. And secondly you are the coolest person I know in this blogging community. Remember unicorns don’t lose sleep over the opinion of a sheep. 😁

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m not sure how to convey just how much that means to me. Thank you so so much, truly. And that expression is now mine. Stolen. Did you make it up?

      Liked by 1 person

  9. This person, who has hurt you time and time again is absolutely NOT worth any of your precious time. It’s obvious that they don’t value you or your friendship. Making them feel important will just give them a reason to make you feel worse once again. L, you have SO MANY more and worthy friends. People who actually care if you were to just disappear one day. Wasting even a moment on those who don’t is just jeopardizing YOUR happiness. You’re a wonderful, fab human child and deserve faaaaaaarrrr better πŸ™‚
    And just so you know, wanting to spend quality time with those you love is NOT selfish.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That ALMOST sounded like you want me to disappear… 😜
      I know you’re right: I just struggle to move on, however bad the consequences of not doing so may be. Thanks for making me feel better. It means a shit-load to me X

      Liked by 1 person

      1. OIIII If you disappear, I cry. If I cry, world floods. If world floods, everyone die. So you no disappear, okay?
        We all do, and i understand it must be very hard. But it’s something you need to start doing πŸ™‚
        Awww no problemmm

        Liked by 1 person

  10. This “friend” who told you that is not your friend at all. Not even remotely close at all. Missed the definition target of friendship by a gazillion miles.

    You are so incredibly special, and sadly not everyone has realised yet how sweet, caring, thoughtful and wonderful you are. But we have (the blogosphere) and always remember the sparkles that surround you!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Hey, I think you should talk to your family about vacation time and spending time with each other. I’m sure someone else in your family feels the same way…. as for that Facebook comment, some people aren’t worth any of you time. They are and will grow up as jerks while you can be successful great and happy. Some people just like to pull others down and don’t let them succeed. Life throws us somethings that we have to learn to ignore. Keep your head up and be confident in your awesomeness 😁😁😁😁

    Liked by 1 person

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