Thoughts of a Summer Evening

As a general rule, I like to keep myself busy; afte all, doing stuff, after all, provides a distraction from any unwelcome thoughts that may start to creep in. However, there are some evenings when all I want to do is sit and be still, and think, or sing emotional songs, or just be left with my own thoughts. These are invariably the nights when my list of must-do tasks, like homeowork, is unpleasantly lengthy, and I’ve already procrastinated so much that if they’re not done that evening, they will be handed in late.
still, I think now, having completed my homework, I have the time to just sit, and listen to this afore-mentioned emotional music, and just contemplate my life at the moment. You know, take a step back, and try and put things into perspective.

“It’s OK not to be OK”
This line, taken from Jessie J’s song Who You Are is potentially one of my favourite lines of all times, because it’s so true, and so unquestionably clear. It is, after all, fine not to be “OK”, although any person that can define the word “OK” is, in my eyes, a liar.
Still, I wonder if this line is doing as much harm as it does good. Of course, there is no way under the sun that I’m questioning its honestly; there’s no doubt that Jessie sings the truth – in this line, at least. I can’t help but wonder, however, if some people use this line as a kind of get-out card. Although i’m a strong believer in being you, and being different, I think that this line can be interpreted as being “OK” mentally, or emotionally. And so by saying “it’s OK not to be OK”, is this almost an excuse?
I believe in trying; everyone should try to be not what society wants them to be, but what they want to be, and no one that I know of wants to be upset. But some people don’t want to try, and maybe this line supports that. I’m not sure – maybe it’s just me -, but I can’t help but think that sometimes, a foot in the right direction helps, and maybe this line is just a little bit defeatist if you interpret it a certain way.

Wired Up
Tomorrow, in school, there are some people coming in. They’re from the radio, because I’m being a part of a radio documentary. I’m afraid I can’t say much more than that, for anonymity reasons, but it involves being wired up to microphones again, and being followed around all day. I wasn’t as nervous as I thought I would be in front of microphones last time, so I’m hoping that we’ll be OK.

Someone asked me a question the other day, and it’s the first question in a very long time that I have been completely unable to answer.
“Who is the one person in your life who you could not live without?”
Of course, when thinking about this question, my minds immediately jumps to family, and friends. I pride myself on having closely-built relationships with my family and frineds, with each being very different to all of the others. Some people make me laugh more, and I talk to about less serious matters, whilst others know me so well that I could speak to them about absolutely anything. Together, they weave and loop around one another – some touching, some not -, forming a complicated and yet strangely logical piece of intricate artwork – my life.
Cutting any of these threads could have the potential to leave the piece volatile, or to cause it to fall apart completely, depending on which string is cut, and where it is snipped.
Losing anyone in my life has the potential to leave a huge, gaping hole in my heart – in me -; the type that nothing can truly fill, only cover temporarily, and roughly. Losing anyone in my life would be a massive blow to me. some would say it’s my own fault, for building such close relationships with everyone, but I disagree. How can you live a life, always preparing for something devastating to happen, and for your life to collapse in on itself?
You can’t.
So I don’t.

L XX

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15 thoughts on “Thoughts of a Summer Evening

  1. There was a time when I could relate to these words, but now? Not so much. I’ve changed a lot after my father’s death—and a few months before it, too—so I know what it’s like to lose someone, and I know what it’s like to lose someone close to you. And I can’t really admit anything online, because someone could find it and use it against me…
    It’s hard for anyone to understand the situation I’m in. But I still smile for my friends… because they make me happy.
    And yet, I’ve never had that one very best friend that was inseparable with me. I don’t know what it’s like, to have that perfect person always by your side. And when I think about it, I don’t want to.
    I don’t know where this is going. I just hope it gives you something more to think about…

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I just put on the ‘Who you are’ by Jessie J to kinda understand how you’re feeling. I lost my friend to cancer 3 years ago and well it was shock that I would ever see her again. I will never see her again but it’s shit to think that this is part of life but it’s so so so so unfair. You got to live your life for them and yourself. Make the most if it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so sorry to hear that. I know that by saying that, I’m bit really helping whatsoever, but I truly am sorry. And you are very right there

      Like

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