Mixed emotions suck. Like, they really, REALLY suck.
I need somewhere to write this down, before I end up letting this out negatively. I don’t mean doing something that I would regret; it’s not like that. I just mean doing something like saying all this to the individual I need to ttalk about, or saying it to someone else, or God knows what else.
Having feelings for one of your ‘friends’ is, in my opinion, one of the most difficult situations to find yourself in. And I find myself in it.
Having feelings for your ‘friend’ who has only been your ‘friend’ for a week is even harder.
Having feelings for your ‘friend’ who is a boy when you’re a boy? That’s just impossible, along with being very unsure if they’re ‘feelings’, or just a strng friendship.
… Oh, nope – scrap that. “… that’s just me.”
He’s in some of my classes, and I’ve always liked him: not like that, just in a kind of ‘oh, he seems nice’ sort of way. Having similar interests to me, and sharing some classes, we end up in the same room for quite a lot of the day [sometimes], but I’d never really spoken to him properly until a few weeks ago, when we had to work together on a project. Only then did I start to realise that maybe – just maybe – I kind of Liked him with a capital ‘L’. But I pushed those thoughts away: I’d only spoken to him properly once – I was being ridiculous.
Time went on, and last week, for one reason or another, we swapped mobile numbers [that expression just shows how much of a Noughties kid I am…], and started texting. Since then, things have just gone so well, and so crazy: he’s asked to meet up with me, rather than the usual attempts at meeting up that needy L initiates; he’s seen me cry [not on purpose]; he’s helped me out via text when I was pretty much having a mental breakdown over our house being flooded, and he’s called me his friend.
No one calls me their friend.
Somehow, he can just make me laugh even on those days, when nothing’s going right and I hate myself for everything I am, everything I’ve done and everything I’ve said. Just seeing him in the mornings, or getting a text from him on my way to school makes me grin like an idiot, and I don’t know why. The crazy text conversations we have [comprising of storytelling through the sole use of emoji] make me smile and laugh and actually feel like someone wantes to talk to mea all at the same time.
A lot of people at school, when they receive a text from me, only answer if they’re LITERALLY doing nothing else; I’m just that type of person – answer if all else fails. Honestly, I can’t blame them. But he answers my texts anytime, even if it’s just to say ‘Hi, I’m sorry but I can’t talk right now – text you later?’. And, surprisingly to me, he does text back ‘later’ – he actually remembers me.
I’m sorry if this all seems so mixed up and confused and like a long babble of nonsensicle shit. I don’t know if I have feelings for him, or if he’s just the friend that I was missing – the kind of person that I need in my life because he just gets me when so many others don’t. Only time will tell – I know that all too well -, but I just hope that he doesn’t forget me, or get bored of me.
Because finally, I feel like there’s someone I click with.