It’s Fine, Use Me

I know, the blogging break lasted all of about 6 hours, but I needed to write this post: I need to get my feelings down.
The blogging break will resume after this post – sorry for the inconsistency.

The person I’m about to talk about seems to be making frequent appearances on my blog these days. If you’re not familiar with the person who I fell out with around Christmas time, let me briefly summarise:
This ‘friend’, who I trusted whole-heartedly, decided that it would be a brilliant idea to go and tell a lot of people about very personal things to me: depression, self-harm, my sexuality… You get the idea. For some ridiculous reason, I eventually forgave him, and although our friendship was, obviously, not what it was, it existed.

Back to tonight, and I called him around 4:30pm. He seemed a little quiet – down, perhaps -, and started playing a video game whilst I was on the phone. I left, and called back a few hours later, at which point he decided to make heavily sarcastic comments about everything I said. Sure, there is sarcasm which is humourous, but that’s used in a normal conversation; you’re entire side of the discussion cannot be made up of sarcastic comments and, frankly, rude, snappy responses.

Perhaps, if this had happened just for one night, I would be OK. Scrap that – I would be OK; people have bad days, and I understand that from first-hand experience. This, however, is a typical conversation between us two these days: I try and start a conversation, he sarcastically replies and then finds something more interesting, like a video game, to do instead of talking to me.
Tonight, I snapped. I hung up on him without any explanation after he started playing a video game when I was on the phone, and then proceeded to send a rather angry text to him several hours later. All of a sudden, he says I’m being stupid, needy and attention-seeking, and that I’m in the wrong here. Now admittedly, I don’t think that either of us are exactly angels in this situation – I accept that I’m not perfect. But I will not stand for that: being told that it’s completely my fault.

For a bit of context, I’ve helped this ‘friend’ out countless times, with relationships and friendships, and school and university. As friends do, I’ve gone way out of my way to help him, and [initially] would think nothing of it. This was until I finally realised that although I was doing these things for him, the minute I asked to talk about something, the standard text appeared on my phone screen: “I can’t be doing with this right now”.
He said that tonight, when I brought all this up, and I finally lost it, and merely said: “You never can when it’s something that you either don’t want to hear or that doesn’t directly affect you”.
Harsh? Maybe a little, I suppose, but I just feel used. I put 100% into my friendships, to be as good a friend as I possibly can be, and this is what I get in return? Suddenly, even a video game is more important to this person than I am?

I forgave him aftr he did probably the worst thing anyone could have done to me at the time. Of course, I don’t want to use that as some kind of power over him; i’m not that kind of person, and that’s not nice: it’s the past now. Regardless, it’s certainly not out of either of our minds, and I can hardly say that he’s made any particular effort since then. I know it shouldn’t, but it makes me feel terribly upset, not only with him but with myself. I can’t believe that he’s doing this to me, and that I’ve let this happen.
In some ways, I let people use me, because I don’t know how to stand up for myself.

During tonight’s text conversation, he told me that he was ‘a bit down’ today, and gave a reason which I suppose was perfectly valid, and as I say, if this had been just one day, I wouldn’t be thinking twice about any of it. But not only has this stretched on for weeks – months, even -, but he told me in such a way as if to suggest that I should have known this already. Of course I didn’t know any of it, because – news flash – I’m not psychic!
I concluded the conversation stating that I thought it was best if he didn’t contact me for a while: “we’ve both gone too far, I think you’ll agree”. I suggested that this might be indefinite, and I honestly suspect that that will be the case.
Even then he sent a response, stating that I’m blaming him for everything, which although completely goes against my last text, is probably partially true, or at least was at thet moment. His last text was, simly, trying to make me feel guilty, or bad for what I’d said.

I ignored it.

I’m really messed up.
I feel used.
I feel broken.
I feel like I don’t mean anything to anyone, that i’m just someone else to be used whilst I’m useful, and then dispostd of the moment I become worthless.

I’m sorry for such a disjointed, depressing, irrelevant post; I needed to get it off of my chest, and I’m sat here crying because I just don’t know what to do or think or say, or whether I did or thought or said the right things earlier, or last week, or last month, or last year.

L XX

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23 thoughts on “It’s Fine, Use Me

  1. You did the right thing by saying that. It isn’t right fit your friend to treat you this way. This will hurt fit a bit, I know how I felt when being used, but later you’ll be happy that you stood up for yourself.
    My best xx

    Liked by 2 people

  2. L, it’s good that you did that. I’ve been used like that before and when you’re in a one-sided friendship it’s best to leave it because in the end you will end up feeling quite hurt as your are now, but trust me you did the right thing. You are appreciated by so many people. Do not let this one person make you feel so horrible just because he doesn’t know how to be grateful of a good friend. Now you know what to look out for and now you know to stand up for yourself when things go too far. You’ve obviously forgiven this guy and he’s done it again and I know for some people it’s hard to accept but sometimes, for your own good you should just leave. Sure you can forgive him but don’t feel like you need to put yourself back into that situation, if he’s making you feel like crap then you don’t need that friendship. *hugs*

    Liked by 2 people

    1. That’s such an awesome thing to write. I guess you’re right, it’s just hard to be the one who breaks off. Thank you – your words made a difference X

      Liked by 1 person

  3. That was the best thing you could’ve said. It was very mature of you to say so, but this person is just being overtly childish. I understand what it feels like to fall out with a close friend- with someone who you’ve shared SO MUCH with. You don’t EVER deserve to be treated like a dirtbag.Not when you’ve invested so much of yourself in this friendship. It’s going to be hard being around him, it’s only natural. And in the end, it’s your decision to let him back in. I just hope that whatever you do, don’t get yourself hurt like that again. You deserve to be happy- don’t let anyone make you feel otherwise.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Any person that uses you is not worth knowing. You’re a really kind, considerate person, and I don’t understand how someone could be so cruel as to do that to you. Trust me: it’s not your fault. I don’t think it could ever be, because though you ask yourself why you let it continue, you didn’t really have a choice. When you’re in that situation, you don’t, even if it might seem like you do. And who cares if you blame him for everything? He is the one guilt tripping you. He is the one trying to make you feel shit about yourself, when you shouldn’t. Feeling broken is okay in this situation, but don’t ever ever blame yourself

    Liked by 1 person

  5. A friend is not someone who should make you feel like that. I have been in these kinds of friendships myself, and believe me when I say that some people are just not worth fighting for. I’m obviously not saying that this is the case with your friend, but you did the right think by taking a step back for a while. You deserve to be treated better than this and maybe some distance will do the trick. Don’t let this bring you down; I’m sure a lot of people WLL be there for you in times you need them πŸ’•

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Hey, I’m glad you did something about this “friendship.” It may hurt and take a while to get over it but just know that you did the right thing for YOU, and that’s all that matters. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

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