How to Human 101 With L: How to Tidy

Wow, this series made a quick return…
The feedback I had on the last post was amazing – thank you thank you thank you -, and therefore I’m continuing the series with my next topic: tidying.
Sounds dull? [hopefully] You won’t be saying that at the end of this post xD

Let’s start by describing a scene:
Your sat in your bedroom, on WordPress [specifically on my blog, because there’s nothing better, let’s be honest], and you hear a call from downstairs…
“I’m goi’ out, can you tidy up downstairs please?”
*Instant slam of front door*
Great, your mum/dad has left without waiting for an answer from you, which pretty much means you’ve unwillingly accepted the challenge of – sorry, agreed to – tidy up the downstairs of the house. Wonderful…

You sleepily blunder down the stairs in an extremely comfortable animal onesie [minion onesies are also valid], and observe the bombsite before you, which the rest of the family affectionately refer to as the ‘living room’. only now do you realise that you haven’t actually left your room for 18 hours, and when you did it was only to get food and then nip to the loo.

L’s Stragegy for Similar situations
1. Make a neat and colour-coded list of jobs that need to be done, and numbr them in order of importance. Your list may resemble the following:
#1 Turn on MTV
#2 Check Twitter
#3 Organise the sofa cushions
#4 Have a well-earned rest
#5 Run hand over all surfaces, and claim afterwards that you used a cloth
etc, etc…

2. Start doing job #1, and continue through your colour-coded list [ensuring that you highlight completed tasks] until you lose motivation or energy.
Note: You may take 10-30 minute breaks as and when you feel they are required

3. Look at the clock and realise you’ve already taken an hour-and-a-half to complete 1-3 jobs.
… wonder why your mum/dad is not home yet, and contemplate what you will do if they have died in the supermarket.

4. Observe the mountain of washing up, and come to the conclusion that adding another plate[s], bowl[s], cup[s] etc won’t make much of a difference.
4A. Make a really elaborate breakfast [although other humans tend to call it lunch]; after all, your mum/dad must have either died or got lost in the supermarket by now – who on earth can take THIS long shopping???
4B. Ensure you add used plate[s], bowl[s], cup[s] etc to mountain of washing up, for the sake of keeping L’s OCD at ease.
… Consider the idea that the mountain of washing up must be bigger than Everest by now, and make sure you have facilities for the crowds of tourists who will soon be arriving at your house to lay eyes on the 8th Wonder of the World.

5. Really really quickly tidy up by shoving everything that you can see that probably shouldn’t be where it is right now under a sofa, cushion, chair, table, bed etc etc etc until the room looks, in your opinion, tidy.

6. Feel proud of yourself as you walk to the door after hearing the postman knock. You will feel abrupt and awful shame when you realise that you’ve answered the front door to an almost-stranger in your choice of animal/minion onesie.

7. Return to your bedroom, and keep reading, liking, commenting on and sharing my posts [including this one, because it’s good, isn’t it].

*Hear front door slam and quickly place noisce-cancelling headphones over both ears*
When you feel a violent and very inconsiderate tap on your shoulder, jump [as if you are not expecting a tap on the shoulder] and look up in surprise and innocence.
You will hear: “I ASKED YOU TO TIDY UP DOWNSTAIRS!”
You will confirm that you both heard and acted upon that instruction, and begin to turn away to return to my blog post.
Note: You will liley be forced to slave away ‘tidying’ the downstairs of your house under the close supervision of a parent, although really, let’s be honest, it looks fine as it is…

And there you have it: L’s guide to tidying up. I really hope you’ve both learned something and found it amusing too!

L XX

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