You know those days, when everything seems wrong?
You know those days, where nothing goes right? At least, not in your head, anyway.
You know those days, when nothing’s wrong, and yet the world is falling to pieces around you?
Yeah, those days.
I have no right to be upset; in fact, today of all days, I should be happy, excited and smiling. Although I can’t write about it, I’ve today been offered the opportunity that I’ve always wished for, that I’ve always dreamed of. Maybe another day i’ll write about it, but I can’t right now. But regardless, for that reason, I should be over the moon.
why aren’t I over the moon?
I should be over the moon.
Instead, I’m sat at my laptop, tears in my eyes, listening to depressing music, and writing this. It doesn’t make sense, and yet in some twisted way, it seems far too logical in my head.
Why do I feel like falling to pieces? Why aren’t I happy, as I ought to be?
I rang a friend earlier. I thought that might cheer me up a little. It didn’t, and it’s my fault. They were doing something, and I got pissed off that they wouldn’t focus on me, because of course I’m the centre of the universe. Of course I’m fucking not, but for whatever reason, I get angry when I’m upset and my hope for relief self-distructs. All I’ve managed to achieve is one friend who is mad at me, and an extra dose of pain for myself.
Well done me -good job.
And sure, we apologised and said we were sorry; that doesn’t mean anything, because in some really twisted way, i’m not sorry. I mean, deep donw, of course I am, because I care about this friend more than anyone else in the world. but in some kind of bitter, self-pitiful way, I just want someone to listen to me. and yet, if they did, what would I say? How do I explain an unexplainable sadness? It’s not even like I can say what is wrong, because there is nothing wrong, plain and simple.
Now, i’m just staring at my phone, in the desperate hope that someone texts me. I’m lonely – I guess that’s what’s wrong. All I want – all I need – is someone to talk to, someone to laugh with and maybe things would be better again. But for the moment, no one has texted me, and so all I can do is wallow in unreasonable self-pity.
And so that’s what I’ll do.