Losing grip

Hey Guys:

I’m going to put it here: this is not going to be a happy post. It will probably end up being a self-pitying load of crap, but it’s what I’m thinking, and I’m going to document it here for you guys.

This is potentially the most unrelateable topic in existence, but sometimes, I wonder this: why me? In context, it usually is followed by: Why am I blind?
I sometimes, like now, just lose it, and can’t help but think this way, however wrong I know it is. I shouldn’t moan; there are people far worse off, people terminally ill, or deaf and blind, and so on – the list goes on and on. But there are times when blindness seems like shit – like the worst shit -, and there’s nothing worse.

Why me, though? Why am I blind? Out of all of the 7.5 billion people on this planet, why am I the one who is blind? They tell me that I’m super rare, that my kind of genetic blindness is only seen up to 6 times a year, as if that makes things better. No, it doesn’t; it makes them worse, because that makes it seem all the more unfair. Why me, I ask now. Why am I the one who is not only blind, which is rare in itself, but blind with the super rare genetic condition? Why can’t I be like everyone else – sighted, and normal? Why can’t I have two working eyes, and perfectly functioning genetics?

I try to keep up the fake smiles, honestly I do. The whole “blindness has opened my eyes to a whole host of new experiences, people and opportunities”. That quote, however, is not complete, because what follows it is what people don’t want to hear. The whole quote is more like:
“Blindness has opened my eyes to a whole host of new experiences, people and opportunities, but slammed the door on a whole host of others”.
That’s not fiar. And, just my luck, it ends up with me. And I’m sick of it.

I want to have eyes. Many people ask me whether, if given the opportunity, I would accept the offer to restore my sight, and each and every time, I respond, without hesitation, with a resounding “no”. Honestly though, given that choice, I don’t think my response would be that instant, and that conclusive. Loads of my friends also say that they’d rather stay blind, but I wonder if they too are saying it to avoid the self-pity that awaits them if they give in just a little to the alternative option.

Then, there’s the future consequences of having my condition. I have a fairly high chance of passing on the defected gene to any children I have, or even any children that my sister has. I’ll be under constant medical observation until my dying breath, with regular checks, scans and blood tests. But, regardless, I’m expected to march on, because that’s what I’m meant to do. The media always describes blind people as inspirational, but really, if we acted in line with the way I feel now, and the way I’m describing here, people wouldn’t pity; people would judge. We’re inspirational, or described as such, merely due to the fact that we meet the expectations of billions of sighted people.
Do you see what I mean? It’s not being inspirational, because every blind person is publicised in the same way; it’s just keeping up appearances, on behalf of the visually impaired community.

I’m sorry for showing you this side of me; you guys don’t deserve to have to read it. It’s how I felt, and I feel that you guys might, just might, understand, or at least not dismiss me as an attention seeking blindie. Sorry, but thank you for reading.

L XX

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31 thoughts on “Losing grip

  1. You’re not attention seeking, you’re just saying how you feel. I can’t say I get it completely but I do understand somewhat. I definitely get what you mean with the expectations thing; it’s like you’re obliged to be strong in the face of the media. And I think it would only be normal to think about how unfair it all is. It is pretty unfair if you ask me. But whether you’re blind or not I definitely know you’re strong, and I’m not just saying that because you’re supposed to be an ‘inspirational blind person’, I really do think you, L, are pretty damn strong and you are wonderful. Hope my crappy advice/words did something for you. xx

    Liked by 2 people

  2. You deserve to wallow once in awhile. And I don’t understand how you feel because I’m one of those normal people but its OKAY to let out your bad feelings. You don’t HAVE to be perfect and a role model. Sometimes, you just have to do whatever you want to, expected or not. And all of us followers don’t have any bit of problem if you share what you’re feeling. We are here to support you. You are amazing and a really great person. Just know that. Blindness be damned.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Can I just start by letting you know my first thought when I read this comment: what a great word “wallow” is… this is so true; there is no need to be a constant role model, because that is virtually impossible. Thank you 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. We’re supposed to do what they want, act like we’re happy with our lives and that we’re so happy we’re blind cause it means we can do things we wouldn’t usually do. We’re not ALLOWED to be sad because then we get pity and judgement

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Honestly, screw the media. Though you are extremely strong – one of the strongest people that I know, not even people with eyes can be perfect or strong all the time. So you don’t have to either. You are allowed to spend a day being sad for being blind – no one can stop you for that and frankly I think it’s normal. Not even the shitty media. I agree that it is unfair that you have to meet these “expectations”, and although I cannot relate quite directly, I do get what you mean. Know that your life isn’t meant for pleasing others, it’s to please yourself. So live the life that YOU want to live, not for anyone else’s expectations of you. God that was cliche but it’s true.
    And god no are you attention seeking. Not at all x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much. Those words are so true. Blogging has really helped, because I finally feel like I’m in a community that won’t judge me, and will except what I have to say with an open mind and with kind words 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  5. OKAY it’s okay to show us posts like these. You’re being honest and truthful. And NOT attention-seeking. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be blind, but I have issues myself with mental health problems, so I do get what it’s like to be ‘different’. It does shut down opportunities and it’s horrible to have to live like this, BUT you are SO strong. You’re such a wonderful person, probably better than ninety percent of the earth who can see. And you’re allowed to be sad for being blind. But just remember that you’re amazing, you’re strong and your life is going to be an amazing one xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That is so kind of you. They always say to remember those who are worse off, but that never makes things much better, because well… I don’t know, it just doesn’t. Your words helped though, so thank you 🙂

      Like

  6. OF COURSE you’re allowed to be sad. Everybody is. You being blind does not mean that you have to be strong and positive all the time, while ignoring the negative things. You are blind and it’s not fair. That is the truth and you don’t have to act like you are okay with it all the time. You are an amazingly strong person, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t express what you feel. I don’t know what it’s like to be blind, but I understand that there are many things that are taken away from you aside from the good experiences you have gained. You are strong and despite all this, you have a great future ahead of you. Don’t let them tell you what you should or shouldn’t do xx

    Liked by 1 person

  7. It isn’t good for you―that is, keeping all your emotion inside. Tell someone! And perhaps tell someone else who is also blind, they would understand you better. We know what you mean, you can definitely tell us, too. With your blogging style, it’s almost impossible to keep negativity away. Heck, I’ve done it! The only reason I don’t do it anymore is because I don’t want to seem attention-seeking, and actually everyone’s sympathies were a bit overwhelming, I have to admit. Alright, I’m being a hippocrite.

    As always, don’t take my advice. It’s horrible. ;-;

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Its okay to be sad 🙂 I’m not going to say I understand because truthfully? I don’t. And you ARE normal. You are human. Just like everyone else. Just because you’re blind it doesn’t mean that your not normal. It’s okay to question things like that. You really are a great, inspirational person. I hope those words helped 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I get what you mean, probobly not as much because I can still see a bit, but I also have those times when you really think about how your eye condition can affect you and it just gets you down. But that’s okay, we don’t have to be strong all the time, we don’t have to be strong all the time, we don’t have to be “inspirational blind people”. I think you’re an amazingly strong person, and anyone who says otherwise is a twat.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I’m sorry you’re feeling that way and I do hope you feel better. Whenever I feel that way about every other thing that’s wrong with me, I like to believe that I was made this way because fate (or a higher being or whatever you believe in) believes that I am stronger that whatever is wrong with me. I don’t know if this makes any sense but what I’m trying to say is that you are so much stronger than your disability. Yikes I’m so cliche, sorry I’m not very good at verbally explaining my thoughts.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. You don’t sound attention-seeking at all. In fact, I feel bad when I complain about my life because I know there’s people worse off than me. But don’t worry, everyone has the right to want things or be upset. It might be hard to be blind, but nobody has to live up to media’s expectations. You be who you want to be, and don’t follow someone else’s guidelines because you want to live up to their expectations. And about the question “If you could get eyesight, would you?” Well, don’t feel bad about your answer. It’s really nobody else’s right to judge you or pity you for whatever you say. You know what I mean? In all honesty, being yourself is what really matters, whether you’re blind or not, strong or not, inspirational or not, we all love you for who you are, not what society sets you up to be.

    Liked by 1 person

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