Valentine’s day – the day for couples. In some cold-hearted but realistic way, I hope Mr [or saint] Valentine died alone surrounded by a ring of happy couples.
Single this Valentine’s Day? You’re not alone. Well, you are -that’s kind of your point. But you’re not, because I am single too. Single, and available, but happily single, because you have to say you’re happily single, even if you’re not. Either that or you break down every time you meet someone, and I just couldn’t do that – far too much effort, me thinks.
Well, if you are a singleton this Valentine’s day, there’s no need to worry, because L is here to help, with a few ideas, hints and tips for surviving.
Doesn’t that sound dramatic… I like it!
First: Fake partners are the best. Not only can you personally pick a name for them [which you can spell and which you like], you can pass off all of the chocolate that you bought yourself as gifts from them. This means you can over-buy and blame it on someone else, meaning you can eat as much as you like without being judged. Additionally, this means that you’ll never be disappointed by crap Valentine’s gifts.
As well as this, you will always have the power in the relationship over what’s on the TV; my plan has no flaws! When Valentine’s Day is over, you conveniently dump them, or they move overseas, or they die. Depends how dramatic you are, and if you have enough ketchup to fake blood for a murder, or a suicide… It depends if you want to pretend that you were a good boyfriend/girlfriend.
Second: why not just wind up some couples, by showing them what they’re missing? Like, being single can be fun right? Take a picture [or find one of Google images] of someone doing the starfish on a double bed, because there’s nothing better than that, right?
Take a comparative picture of the price tags on both a ready meal for one and a romantic dinner for two, as the latter is bound to be several times more expnsive.
Video yourself dancing to Lady Gaga, with a home-made banner behind you, in clear view, reading: “No fear of judgement”. Because there is no fear of judgement when you’re single.
Send any or all of the above to either one half of a couple, or to both members if you have there appropriate contact details.
Thirdly: Just pretend it’s a normal Sunday. Trust me, it’ll work. Wake up at 11, see it’s hours too early to get up, fall asleep again, have “breakfast” [dinner], and then get ready for Monday… Faool-proof.
And now, my uprising idea: We must defeat the couples with our fun levels. Yes, you read correctly. Imagine it…
All of the couples are sitting down quietly in posh, romantic restaurants, frightened to speak because the whole place is silent. Then, from outside comes this cry of freedom and success, before an army of single people, dressed in 1sies, burst in, and invade. They drink the wine, but not romantically – just tip it down. The romantic lighting is immediately changed to disco lighting, and the lovey-dovey music is instantly transformed into club music. Anyone kissing will be pulled from one another and immediately partnered up with a life-sized stuffed teddy bear to dance with.
What do you think? Good plan?
And to any loved-up people: BEWARE, because the singletons will rule again…