Today has been a great day. I’ve played the sport that I play in a tournament, and met up with family friends for a catchup dinner. It has literally been one of the best days I’ve had for a while.
Today, I think I finally realised something. I realised that, however crap things get with friends, or anxiety, or whatever else, there is always the good times, and my friends, and the laughter. And that always out balances the bad stuff. Always.
Laughing over dinner in a busy restaurant in Southampton, I finally realised where I fit in. I fit in with friends, with family, and with the good times. Recently, I’ve had major problems with my closest friends, but today, for the first time since things started going wrong, I didn’t think about the bad things. I focussed on my friends, and on the sport which I love.
and that made everything better.
Today, I laughed with three of my closest friends, more than I have laughed in such a long time. I didn’t get anxious because there were lots of other people around. I didn’t hide away because I was scared. I didn’t burst into tears over events past and present. Today, I held my head up high, smiled, laughed, enjoyed myself and went back to the old me. When I’m with my friends – was with my friends – things used to be crazy, mental, loud and fun: friendly, and insane. And today was just like those days, and for the first time in ages, it’s what I wanted, needed, and really enjoyed.
In my mind, looking back on it now, I know why I did it today. In truth, I wanted the old me back. I wanted to have fun again, to be crazy and loud and fun and mental. But in another way, I was saying to the people who have hurt me during the last month: “Look at me. You can’t break me – you haven’t broken me. You knocked me down, cut my limbs. But cuts heal, scars fade and smiles always return. And so, language excused, fuck you. I’m still breathing, no thanks to you, and I’m proving that to you, by being me in front of everyone who you know. And I know you’ll be asking how I was acting, and how I was looking. I hope their responses hurt you. Because you hurt me. But you didn’t break me.”
Today was special. Today was good – great, in fact -, but it wasn’t the best.
because i’m saving my best.