I hope you’re all well. You get a break from me, well for the moment, as I have a treat in store. Another guest post! I know, two in a week; I do feel popular!
this post was written by Averyawkwardblogger, and I insist on you checking out
His Blog Here
So, onto the post:
Hello blogospherians, (did I spell that right?) it’s Anthony from aVeryAwkwardBlog. L did a guest post for 12 Collabs of Christmas on my blog last week, and now that the whole project’s over it’s time to return the favors.
I had no idea what I was going to write about, so I decided to check L’s blog (the one you’re currently reading) to maybe get inspired.
And boy, was I inspired.
In one of his most recent posts, L tells us about the cute story of a HORRIBLE TRAITOR WHO BACKSTABBED HIM AND BLABBED HIS DEEPEST SECRETS. Nothing unusual.
If you check the comments section on that, you might notice my slightly heated opinion on the subject. Why is that? Well, it’s easy to guess. I myself have gone through that phase.
I never talked about it, because it’s just awful to remember.
When it happened, I was at the age where you should not even know about stuff like loneliness or betrayal.
Let’s not make it a long, insufferable story. I’ll just get to the ending. I was… I can’t describe it! I’ve typed and deleted many words, but none of them work. Out of these words were ‘betrayed, manipulated, left, backstabbed, cheated’. None of them can completely define what that person did to me. How the hell could I know?! I was barely 11!
What happened left me friendless for three whole years. I call this period the worst I’ve been through. Now, it may seem normal, that I have a period in my life I wasn’t happy in. But 10 years later, when I’ll have gone through way more stuff, I still think this period will still rank as one of my worst.
I can only describe it as ‘lonely’. I used to hate recess. Why? Because I spent it sitting in the toilets.
Ugh, just thinking about it, remembering bits of it, makes me want to cry. Yes, I remember perfectly now: I would usually slack off in class after the bell rang for about 5 minutes until the teacher asked me to leave, go down and eat my food as slowly as possible while walking around alone, looking at people laughing and having friends. Then, I’d spend the remaining 10 minutes in the bathroom stalls, counting down the minutes, breathing by my mouth to avoid the toxic stench, sometimes entertaining myself by dancing the latest Lady Gaga choreography I had learned. And then I’ll go out and wait the last 5 minutes in line for the bell to ring. I just stood there.
The only thing stopping me from killing myself then was my pride. And my love for my family. Why should a 13-year-old think about suicide?! How badly could he be hurt? What on earth could someone my age back then have done something so horrible to me that made me want to die?
Well, that person certainly didn’t know just how much damage they’d do. For them, they were just dumping a friend they got tired of, a year after they made up with him after having dumped him for the same reason the year before.
Oh how I remember the desperate moment of ‘Oh my God not again please please please not again this can’t happen again this isn’t happening no it can’t IT CAN’T NO!’ I remember when. I remember where.
I can’t go on. That’s enough.
This experience has scarred me for life. My confidence has been heavily damaged, and I’m still recovering. To this day, every time I sense that one of my friends is angry/disappointed at me, I start panicking and over-thinking way too much. Can you honestly blame me? I’m in constant fear of losing my friends, because I feel it could happen any second, just like 5 years ago.
It has also given me deep trust issues. It’s a protection I’ve built for myself to avoid being hurt like I did back then. That’s why I may never feel what it’s like to have all my secrets exposed. And frankly, I can live with that.
I just want to let you know that, though it may seem impossible to overcome now, it’s NOT the end of the road. It might take days, weeks, or three damn years, but eventually everything will be sorted out for you. You’ll have picked up a life lesson, and made friends with people who actually deserve your friendship. Nothing is worth giving up your life on, so don’t worry. You might go through many lows, but just know that you’ll eventually start rising again.
I just want to say a massive thank you [oh, by the way, it’s L again now] to Anthony for writing this post. I know that these kind of subjects can be difficult to talk about, especially on someone else’s blog! Thank you :-]