Happy Never After

I am devastated.

I have a history of self-harm. I have a history of depression. I have had people bully me for that. I don’t like it.

There are 3 people alive that I have told everything to. One of them will read this. One of them doesn’t need to read this. One of them hates me.

My closest friend is one of the first people I go to when things are bad. they trust me. I trust them. they care. I care. They know. I know.

Tonight, I’ve found out that they’ve been saying things. More than one person has been told my entire life story, including the self-harm, depression and bullying. He’s backstabbed me, and doesn’t even have the dignity to own up to it when I confronted him. I’ve found out what he’s been saying about me behind my back: childish, lonely, easily-manipulated, friendless. And I know that he’s told at least two people.

I fear he’s told more.
I know he’s told more.

I trusted him. It takes a lot for me to trust someone.
It meant nothing. The whole thing – every word, every secret, every fear and confession – were just bullets for his gun, blades for his knife. Suddenly, the person who I trusted, who PROMISED me that they’d keep my secrets safe is my biggest vulnerability. He even know about this blog.

I trusted him. I believed that he wouldn’t tell anyone. He told me he had experienced people backstabbing him before. He told me he knew what it was like, and he told me he wouldn’t put me through that. And where are we now? I thought he meant it, I thought he was honest and serious, and yet behind my back for months and months, he’s said horrible, vicious things about me. He’s said dreadful things, terrifying things, cruel things. He’s said true things.

Confronting him? No, maybe that wasn’t the smartest move I’ve ever made. Maybe I should have kept my mout shut, kept my brain from leaping to conclusions. But it took just one person to say it, and suddenly everything clicked into place. Everything that had puzzled me, and supposedly puzzled him, suddenly made an awful but undoubtedly real kind of sense. So I confronted him, by text, because I’m too much of a wimp to have called him. My excuse; well, it was 02:00, but I could have called. I should have called. And now he hates me. Now he won’t speak to me again. Is that for the best? Is it what I wanted? No, of course not. And he knows stuff – a lot of stuff. He hasn’t hesitated telling some, so what’s stopping him from telling others?

Is it too late to say I’m sorry? I suppose so. The damage has been done. I don’t think he’ll want to speak to me again now. I can’t blame him. But I hate him. Why would he do that to me? It’s not as if he didn’t know how confidential that information was, how much it meant to me. I’d told him again and again and again, and before I told him anything new, and after I’d finished telling him something new, that he wasn’t to tell anyone what I’d told him. One person said that he’d told them within two hours of me telling him. Two hours. 7200 seconds. 120 minutes. Just a handful of inhalations and exhalations, and everything that was so important to me had already been shared around a little group. I feel like the kid in school, who is always left out of the notepassing during class; the kid who is the basis of all the jokes; the kid who people pretend to be nice to, just to laugh at the end of break time, just to make a fool out of.

Today was a fairytale – my fairytale. But fairytales don’t always have happy endings. My fairytale doesn’t have a happy ending.

L XX

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31 thoughts on “Happy Never After

  1. Who did this to you? I’m so angry right now that I could hit someone, because YOU KNOW WHAT, you don’t fucking deserve to feel like this. You NEVER could deserve this. I swear to God, if there’s ONE person who’s done nothing to warrant this happening, it’s YOU. You are fantastic and goddamnit, I Wish I could say that you shouldn’t let it get to you, but I know that doesn’t work.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I wish I could say something to help you feel better but I don’t know what to say, because everything I’ve typed out and then deleted won’t help. All I can say is that, although I can’t predict the future, I know that this isn’t the end. You won’t be forced into a hole because your “friend” decided to spill out everything you told them, which is fucking heartless. Your “friend” won’t get away with their careless deeds and you won’t be that “kid who everyone picks on”. Ever.
    You have done absolutely NOTHING to deserve this treatment, and know that you always have those two people you trust with you. I hope this isn’t the reason why you end the year on a low note, because it’s fucking heartbreaking. Sending you lots of support across an ocean or two.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. There’s just those people in life who are jealous. Of something. Horrible people who don’t know what it feels like to be hurt like that. There worthless. There lowlifes. I know it’s easy to say this but just forget about it. Your amazing and strong. Do you know why?? Because you wrote it down telling people how you felt. Not because you want pity and sympathy. Because you want people to understand. Just remember that there are people who care. There are people out there who aren’t like your stupid so called ‘friend’. Don’t let the lowlifes end your 2015 like this. Stay strong L.
    ~Hafsa πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I honestly would like nothing but to rip his guts. If there’s ONE THING I hate above all, it’s traitors and backstabbers, because I’ve been through enough of them to last me a life time. You should NOT stand for this! Pay. Him. Back. HARD.
    I’m sorry if I’m getting carried away but I get angry at this type of things, due to past experience. Don’t do anything you might regret later, that’s the most important, but he should suffer the consequences of his horrible behavior. I hope you don’t feel bad about this, because you did NOTHING wrong. It’s HIS fault.
    Ugh.

    Like

  5. Your fairytale CAN have a happy ending, cause it’s not over yet. It’s only just beginning. What this guy has done to you is downright AWFUL. Like some other people said above, I’d like to rip his guts open. Maybe we all should as a team, cause we all support and love you. You’ve done nothing wrong, you shouldn’t have to apologise EVER, stay amazing please.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I am so angry nobody deserves to be back-stabbed like that and whoever this guy is if I ever met him it would not end well. Anyways I’d say do not try and get revenge because it’s just going to blow it up even more, instead try talking to him and working it out. And remember this isn’t the end of your fairy tale, it’s far from it.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. People who backstab don’t deserve to be in anyone’s life. My best advice would be to let them go. There are so many better people who truly DO care about you. And you don’t need to look for them. They’ll come running to you when you need them the most.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. What a true arsehole. In fact, beyond an arsehole. But remember – he (and the things he knows about you) are not the be-all-and-end-all of your life. You can move on from him, and you can move on from the secrets he’s spilling. It’ll probably be bloody hard, but I know that you can. And your fairytale isn’t over yet – this is just the bump in the middle, the happy ending is coming, I promise. xx

    Liked by 1 person

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