Things Aren’t Always Happy

Hey guys:

I’m not even going to start with something nice; this post has a trigger warning. It’s there, if you don’t want to read this, I understand.

Last night, late last night, things got bad. I’ve written about this before, about what I used to do. It was basically self-harm, and that was horrible. I thought that had all stopped now, that I was OK. I wasn’t getting urges any more, or anything.

Last night, things were different. I hate myself for what I did last night, but at the same time, I feel all empty about it. I feel like it was not me, last night. It wasn’t me who sat, crying on my bedroom floor. It wasn’t me with a knife in my hand and my back to the wall. It wasn’t my blood that driped into the carpet. It wasn’t me.

I guess I have no excuse, although I’ll tell you what’s going on right now. My parents are always arguing, and I know that sounds really insignificant, ut it really gets to me, and they just don’t understand. School is pressure-packed, and I can’t cope with it any more. I have friends who are backstabbing me within a community of friends, to do with the sport I play, who I really care about, but who are slowly turning against me. Even now, 24 hours later, I’m in a similar mindset.

What’s the point? Of anything, of life, of friends, of family, of hope and joy, of laughter and smiles?

That’s scary, but again, it kind of leaves me hollow and empty, and just bare. I decided to do one of those online chats with Childline; I knew what I had done was wrong, and I needed someone to talk to. they were helpful, andI also told my best friend about it this morning, and they were really worried I think.

I remember when they were going through a similar situation to my own. I used to get fed up, bored with their moaning. I used to think that they were an attention seeker, or that they were just doing it to work me up. Now I know just how wrong I was, and I’m so grateful that they haven’t turned their back on me, the way I would have done them.

Look, I can’t write any more. I’m sorry for such a post; I needed it out there. I’m sorry, guys. I love you all.

L XX

Advertisements

20 thoughts on “Things Aren’t Always Happy

  1. Honestly even if it sounds cliche, when your life is going to be ripped away from you, you can recognize the point of everything.
    And pain hurts, both physically and emotionally it hurts like hell. But there comes a time when pain is so much better than nothingness. When the pain is gone and there’s nothing left, you’ll crave it. Any feeling at all is welcomed.
    So yeah it sucks and it sucks BAD, but if you can feel pain then you can feel happiness.
    I’m sure that you recognize every ounce of pain every time something hurts and you notice the good too, but maybe try to put them is perspective to each other.
    You’ve got this, I believe in you πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Honestly, if I could, I would volunteer to be your punch bag, just so you didn’t have to take it out on yourself. I don’t really know what to say, but just remember we’re here for you. And if it helps, don’t feel like you can’t write freely about what you’re feeling. X

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ok, first things first can I just tell you that you’re amazing? You’re strong, you’re lovely and you can get through anything. You’ve already shown us you can. I get it. I get it all. What you described has been me before, more than once in recent times. And afterwards it feels bad. But just think of everyone who cares for you, online AND in the real world. Your friends, your family. Even though they argue, they care about you more than you think. Speaking to ChildLine was a good move, it’s what I do when I feel like that. If you get another urge, talk to us here PLEASE. I don’t want to see this happen to you. I want you to be happy. And I know that’s hard for you at the moment, like it is for me, but oneday you will be. I promise.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Listen. I know how it feels when parents have their differences. Quarrels. Fights. I’ve seen it all. I understand. And it DOES take a toll on one. I know. But amateur thing that I know for sure is you’re strong. Oh yes. You are. You’ve gotten through it and yesterday, you had a relapse. It’s okay. People have bad days . Some feel like they’ll never get through it. But I KNOW you will. You deserve to. L, you can get through this. Power through and talk it out! Talking it out helps. Believe me, you can and WILL get better. You SHALL see better days.

    Liked by 1 person

Something to Say?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s