I’m not even going to start with something nice; this post has a trigger warning. It’s there, if you don’t want to read this, I understand.
Last night, late last night, things got bad. I’ve written about this before, about what I used to do. It was basically self-harm, and that was horrible. I thought that had all stopped now, that I was OK. I wasn’t getting urges any more, or anything.
Last night, things were different. I hate myself for what I did last night, but at the same time, I feel all empty about it. I feel like it was not me, last night. It wasn’t me who sat, crying on my bedroom floor. It wasn’t me with a knife in my hand and my back to the wall. It wasn’t my blood that driped into the carpet. It wasn’t me.
I guess I have no excuse, although I’ll tell you what’s going on right now. My parents are always arguing, and I know that sounds really insignificant, ut it really gets to me, and they just don’t understand. School is pressure-packed, and I can’t cope with it any more. I have friends who are backstabbing me within a community of friends, to do with the sport I play, who I really care about, but who are slowly turning against me. Even now, 24 hours later, I’m in a similar mindset.
What’s the point? Of anything, of life, of friends, of family, of hope and joy, of laughter and smiles?
That’s scary, but again, it kind of leaves me hollow and empty, and just bare. I decided to do one of those online chats with Childline; I knew what I had done was wrong, and I needed someone to talk to. they were helpful, andI also told my best friend about it this morning, and they were really worried I think.
I remember when they were going through a similar situation to my own. I used to get fed up, bored with their moaning. I used to think that they were an attention seeker, or that they were just doing it to work me up. Now I know just how wrong I was, and I’m so grateful that they haven’t turned their back on me, the way I would have done them.
Look, I can’t write any more. I’m sorry for such a post; I needed it out there. I’m sorry, guys. I love you all.