I hope you’re all OK, and having a fabulous day. It’s quite late as i’m writing this; 11 PM I think. I like to write late at night [or early in the morning], because there’s nobody around. And when there’s nobody around, it makes me feel safer, with less threat of prying eyes reading what is definitely not intended for them. By no means do I wish that people would just go away, and I lived in a world alone, but it’s so much easier to write without that portion of your mind listening out for approaching footsteps. Tonight, I certainly don’t want people reading what I’m about to write, because it’s so personal to me.
I’ve never been one to beat about the bush. When I’m stressed out, or anxious, i’ll ramble on for ages without really getting to a point specifically when I’m nervous about someone’s reaction to what I want to say. But in situations like this, where:
[a] i’m anonymous
[B] It’s not face to face
[C] I trust you all
I’m not going to beat about the bush, because I want to put it out there in no uncertain terms.
I think I’m bisexual.
I know, so many people put it out there that they’re bi, or gay or transgender, and I always read their stories and feel proud of them, whoever they are, for finding that inner strength inside them. I recognise that it’s hard to write that sentence – ‘I’m gay.’ – or to say it, or even to think it, especially as a teenager. I never truly appreciated, however, just how hard it is to write that sentence and not immediately navigate down to the discard button, and delete this piece of writing. But no. I’m putting this out there because I need you guys.
The idea almost makes me feel ashamed of myself. I know that it’s not how I’m meant to feel. Growing up, I see boys [I go to a boys school] always calling things ‘gay’, or generally being homophobic, or negative towards anything that isn’t being straight. That makes me scared, because I’m scared that the minute I say that I’m bisexual – if I say it at all, I’ll immediately be made fun of, and you guys know my fear of being bullied.
Two of my closest friends know about this, because I know that they’d never tell anyone. I trust them absolutely. One of them feels similarly to the way I feel, and that’s kind of why they know. But I think even if they didn’t feel that way, they’d know anyway, because they’re the closest friend I’ve ever had.
What I need to tackle is how to tell my parents. I know that they’d never approve of me being anything but straight, but then they’ll never understand my lack of interest in conforming to society; how can I expect them to understand this? And what about being open with it? Telling friends, family friends? Do I just change it on Facebook and be done with it? I think not.
Maybe I should talk to more people about how I feel. what do you think? is it ok?
love you all and thank you all so much for your support.